We're Baaaaacccckkkkk.......

Yep, Hope and I are back in the dating saddle.

It was an interesting 6 months of relationship. As a great friend once said, "You should only invest 6 months, and then end it. That's it, and you don't throw a fit."

So far, pretty valid advice for a woman who is financially secure, a homeowner, has the children she wants to have, and finds herself in a dating pool of men who are in the same boat. Or who have never learned the fine art of commitment. There is a reason those men have never been in a real long term relationship.

Anyways, back in the saddle, means more internet dating faux pas.

The one I have issue with currently is LOL. If I read that, I instantly discredit your ability to process information. I will take a "Ha" and "Heh", even a "Laugh out loud". But you use LOL, and I want to groan and dry heave at the same time.

Here is a little example:

Someone emailed me this flirty little response to my tagline of "Sarcasm, one of the many services I offer."

"Ok, I'll bite. What other services to you offer?"

After I try to look at his profile, which is hidden, I reply,

"Wouldn't you like to know, Mr. I-Hid-My-Profile?"

He then kills the buzz with:

"Lol!

Actually, i am not a member. I was but it ran out. I use my phone to check the site. How's your summer going? What do you do?"

1. Lied, because you can't email without an account.
2. Used LOL.

Blech!

It's good to know I'm not the only one...

Best of Craigslist is always good for an afternoon laugh, and it did its job for me this afternoon. Being an average-looking short guy myself, I really think this guy describes dating life from a male perspective pretty well!!

Why I'll never succeed in the W4M forum!

And he responded...

The guy I emailed, to ask for the reason of his posting his TV bracket, etc., responded:


No worries, that is a good question you have. In the past I met my ex girlfriend on this web site. Before we met, she explained to me that she had a met a guy on this website who she found out on their first date he was living with his mother. So she asked me to put up some pics of my bachelor's pad that I live in by myself. So I complied for her, and I guess I have forgotten about that and just left my profile the way it was. She said she also wanted a picture of my 2003 Porsche 911 Carrera 4 Cabriolet, so I put that picture up also.

No comments needed. I didn't respond, but he emailed me a couple of days later:

Well, I enjoyed reading your profile. You made me laugh and smile. I should warn you that I am a Seattle Seahawks fan. But I did stand in line at Scolaris grocery store for over an hour and voted early for John McCain. Unfortunately we lost. Even though I disagree with the democrats, I hope they can make things better than they are now.

I am also Dutch and Scottish, 50/50.

It's almost as if he's responding to an email I wrote him, which I didn't. I will pay one of my friends to go on a date with him. Seriously. That would provide endless blogging material.

This may be mean...

...but I had to do it. I just had to. I sent an email to the guy in my previous post, asking why he chose to include some of those pictures in his profile.

I was looking at your profile and have a question for you. I don't want this to come off as rude, because that's not how it's intended; just simple curiosity. Why did you include some of the pictures of your house/condo? For example, the picture of the bowl on your counter, or the one of your TV's wall bracket. Just curious if there's something I'm missing. Have a great day!

Actually I did it for you guys. Yeah, that's my story. Because I know you want to know.

My Christmas present to you, my readers

It's been a LONG time since I've posted any pictures of guys I've encountered on match. As my Christmas present to all of you, I presenting you with, perhaps, the best Creme d' le Crap entry yet. Why is it the best? Because this guy is totally serious.

He seems normal, right? Almost McDreamy-esque:Okay, this one isn't too bad...maybe he's a teacher and is forced to take pictures like this for the year book:

And then there's this. I'm not quite sure what to say. He's wearing a wife-beater, and I'm assuming that's his "making sexy" face. There are more photos of him wearing this "outfit," but I'll spare you:
No profile is complete without a picture of your Porsche, parked in your apartment complex. I don't know about you gals, but my first thought when I see this picture isn't "wow, you drive a nice car." It's more like "why didn't you use that money to buy a house?".
Of course, maybe his apartment/condo is some sort of luxury community, right? Oh, have no fear, he included pictures of his humble little abode:
Perhaps the oddest picture I've ever seen on match, a picture of his TV wall bracket thing. Maybe he's trying to show his sweet surround sound wiring?

And finally, there is this...if he could put a caption on it, I'm sure it would say "where all the magic happens." And might I add, interesting furniture configuration.
So there you go. Call this reason #394083 why I am still single. I mean really? Really?

Email Extravaganza

I know, it's been a while...but here are some emails I've received lately:

1: "Most 45 year old guys do not copy Mr. Olympia's training video. All of the successful older guys in my neighborhood have a wife that is twenty years younger. Okay, I probably grossed you out, but I just wanted to say, anyone as spunky as you who watches FOX channel is good for someone, some lucky guy who wishes Nevada was 100% a "Red" state."

(Yes, that's the entire email)

2: "Hello and top of the end of the week:) I love that you're into politics...I just got elected. *We'll have to talk if I hear back:) Me? Yale and Ohio University educated, tri lingual (although my Italian is sometimes just Spanish with an Italian accent), extremely well traveled, former trip leader for an adventure company, I don't litter, don't end sentences with prepositions, have composed appalingly bad Haiku, can't spell without spell check even though my degree was in English Education...and hope to hear back from you!"

(Um, pretentious much?)

3. "I like pina coladas, i get caught in the rain more often than i should, conduct long walks on tahoe beach with my dawgs, and totally not into Yoga, but i am loyal, honest, and have a passion for adventure. When I am not touring the globe taming wild horses, i am scouring the jungles in search a cure for male pattern baldness. Ok so not really, i was gonna be a outlaw biker though, and was all set to purchase my vest (credentials) and go look for a HOG (more credentials), when i was told i would have to ride a motorcycle. SO i bid farewell to my vest, voluptuous lady friend and life of danger and headed off to Florida to Flight school. I am now a corporate pilot, and i wear slacks, white shirts, ties, and dress shoes (boring). I chase slender women and so no longer can i refer to them as my HOG. MY how life can change when you hit the thirties :) So there is a bit of a taste of my personality, i am all about having fun and making people laugh. I am a pilot and i truly love my career. I dont take life too seriously, instead i just simply enjoy what it brings. So write me back if you found any of this funny or interesting."

(Nope, I don't.)

4. "Wow, you are cute,i take it you dont like spiders I am a COWBOYS fan,& that karate thing scares me,ive never been in a fight in my life,but i see how you might need to protect your self from the boys.So if you got mad @ Me ,you would kick my butt.Thats not right.Im sure i could hold you down for a while,and im taller than you ,so i could probably run faster than you.So there ,you would have to catch me first."

(I'm pretty sure I would just let you run away.)

Didn't know I went out with a retarded guy, did ya?

Apparently I did.  This is so bad, that I'm posting here, instead of on my regular blog.

For the background, read here and here.  

I fancy myself a smart person.  I frequently found myself on the honor roll in middle school and high school, and the dean's list in college, eventually graduating magna cum laude.  The thing is, some really smart people, while good with the books, lack common sense.  (I'm not painting all smarties with the same brush...I realize Hope is a Mensa member, and she's pretty cool.)  By the way, random side note, a former co-worker used to call me Mensa, and my Spanish-speaking co-workers totally made fun of me, calling me mensa (note the lower-case m--very important in the translation).  Anyhow, Moses is apparently one of these retarded smart people.  Not only did he try asking me out once after I blew him off (see 2nd linked post above), but he tried contacting me again!

Flashback to the Tuesday before Turkey Day.  I had just flown up to Sacramento, and was spending the evening at my bro & sis-in-law's new house.  It was late, and we were hanging out talking.  Around 10pm, my cell phone signaled an incoming text  When I saw who it was from, I groaned, but read:

I really, really like myself.  Do you know how awesome it is to be happy for the world, just to know its lucky enough to have people like yourself in it? I hope so.  Also, i'm kinda drunk.

I love that even in his inebriated state, he was still able to spell and punctuate almost entirely correctly.  But, I didn't respond.  I don't understand why this guy thinks that I left the door open to his nerdy advances, or why he thinks it's OK to keep contacting me when I very obviously am not interested in him.  Ugh. 

This can't be for real...can it?

Check out this website:

http://mulletpassions.com

It bills itself as a social networking site for singles with mullets.  You can even browse by mullet style! Any readers with a mullet, or just daring enough to sign up and check it out?  If this is any incentive, it's free!

FYI: I found this through one of my favorite sites, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books.

Take a breath...

I got the following email from someone on match:

"My name is garrett and 4 some reason i cant seem 2 get my picture posted but i thought u sound interesting and would like 2 know more about u"

I hate this new trend of using letters instead of numbers. I can somewhat accept it in text messages (but it still bugs me), but an email? To someone you want to date?

For fun, I looked at his profile. The following is his ENTIRE profile:

"30 yr old male decent shape atractive outgoing and fun looking 4 the same fun outgoing must like kids like outdoors 4 wheeling camping a plus i enjoy all music but listne 2 country the most enjoy going out also like 2 stay in im honest faithful and loving"

This isn't even a run-on sentence, because to be one, it must be an actual sentence. Perhaps with some sort of punctuation mark thrown in there. No, his profile is just a bunch of words. It's like he simply barfed out his profile.

Now the real question, should I email him back? Hmmm. Gonna take a pass on that...

At least he's honest...

You know, something has to be said for a guy who tells it like it is...

I came across a profile with this headline:

"Heartbroken and Looking for Fun & Friendship with Bennifits"

For some reason I read on...and I'm so glad I did:

"I just ended a four-year relationship after catching my now ex cheating on me with one of my good friends; moreover, I can say I am at a very vulnerable point right now, but this will change over time."

Um, baggage much? Of course I know there is some girl who will go out with him, and then complain to all of her friends when he just won't commit.

There are no words...

Meet Julio.
Julio claims to be 32, but looks considerably older. According to his profile, he last read the following "books:"

Adam's Sandler's "First 50 dates" Joseph Campbell's "Hero of a Thousand Faces" Cliff Schecter's "The Real McCain" -- Excellent reading for this year's historic election... Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" LA Times, NY Times... Kamanstra…!!

Let's just clarify something..."50 First Dates," with Adam Sandler, is a movie, not a book. Joseph Campbell wrote "Hero with a Thousand Faces." And I'm pretty sure that the last item that pervy Julio listed here is not "Kamanstra," but the Kama Sutra. You know, just in case one of the fine ladies on match actually agress to sleep with him. He's obviously out to impress us!

He's also an aspiring poet, and boasts that some of his work was published when he was in college! He even graced me, via match message, with an example:

** Under blue skies, we breathe together laughing as our hearts beat as one smiling **

Hey there... Every human is a novel, every human is hero… for your novel reads of eternal beauty and Ill be your hero living in your heart... just wanted to say that. IF/when you feel comfortable, maybe... message: (removed)@live.com; I’m on right now…

“OCEAN WAVES”
III

Ocean waves crash and froth against craggy shores,
Echoing thoughts of your beauty forevermore;
Your hair unfurls simmering in sultry breezes,
Alike waves of kisses melting sand on endless seas.

Gentle night’s breezes softly whisper in my ear,
of wondrous thoughts harboring your beauty near;
Hear crashing waves utter cries upon ivory shores,
alas weeping echoes of sea breezes so near...

It's really too bad that I'm taking my profile down. I really think that he could be the one!

No news is not necessarily good news

At least not in the world of internet dating. I find that sending the "no thanks" messages unnecessarily mean, so if I'm not interested, I usually just don't send a response. Most guys get this, but today, I'm going to tell you about three that just don't get it.

First up, Blandy McBlanderson. He's sent me the same email not once, not twice, but thrice! The first time, I almost responded to him, but by the time I got around to it, his profile was taken down. But now it's back up, and I've gotten the EXACT same email twice in the course of a week (the 20th and 25th).

hey... I came across your profile and thought we might be a good match! take a look at my profile and if you are interested would love to hear from you.

Next up is Aloha. He's sent me three emails (plus a wink) since I signed up for match. I don't have the first email, but here are the two most recent (sent in a 2-week span):
Message #1:

How are you doing? I hope you had a nice weekend. Was wondering if you would like to meet a nice guy with many good qualitites? If I know him I will tell him about you. LOL. Sorry terrible sense of humor. I would like to know more about you if you would like to talk. Please let me know either way. Thanks and good luck. Aloha

Message #2:

How are you? I would like to get to know you better but my membership is expiring. Please email me @(removed)@yahoo. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care. Aloha

Finally, saving the best for last, is The Professor. Let's cross-reference this guy with the Old Fart Files. The Prof is 45 years old (making him 16 years older than me), and lives in Massachusetts, 3000 miles away from me. I've received a wink and two emails. Because if I haven't responded to the wink and first email, that second email is going to totally seal the deal!

Message #1: Subject: Hello! I am interested

I live in Boston. I was in SD last Summer and I love it. I would like to come again during the Winter for a longer period. I am looking for my soul-mate and life partner, and I have the profile which you are looking for.
I like your photo with glasses.
Waiting to hear from you.

I particularly enjoy the unnecessary capitalizations In his Message.

Message #2: Subject: I like the "Big Deal"
(yes, I reference Anchorman in my profile--don't judge!)

I would love to hear from you

I don't know...this makes me think I should be more cut-throat, although I know I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those "no thanks" emails. Although I wanted to send a more bitchy email to The Prof, I just told him that I was looking for someone in my geographic area, and wished him luck. Then I called my mom and told her what I wanted to really say in my message!

It's been a while...

I've been taking a dating hiatus, so I want to apologize for the lack of posts. But while sitting on my couch today, doing lots of nothing, I came across just a gem of a profile...and here it is:

"im recently divorced " 6 months " lonliness setting in hardcore. I really need a companion sum1 2 care 4 and who can care 4 me without trying 2 change me i'm very emo and need a friend at least 6 years is a long time and theres alot to let go of"

I don't even know what most of that means.

Oh, and what would he want to do on a first date?

"nice dinner and a sunset before 1 of my shows " vocalist ""

Huh?

Was that a question?

I should start a new series on this blog...I think I'd call it "Old Guy of the Week."  As I've posted numerous times before, I seem to be a magnet for old farts.  They usually write to me on the weekends, so I always have fresh material for the beginning of the work week.

This one was received on Saturday.  Unfortunately, his freebie period has expired, so I can't post his picture.  I'm calling him the Fresh Prince, since his screen name reminds me of him.  Fresh Prince is 44, and looks like a generic older guy, brownish, thinning hair, and a goatee.  Here's what he had to say (referring to my profile):

Subject: hey tall and lovely,

So you're a clutz?  At 5'10"..... you can afford to be :)

Do you like to dance? cause I would really love to dance with you?

FreshPrince,

Ignoring the retarded punctuation, since we've picked it apart 100 times on here, I have to wonder...would he really love to dance with me?  Or is he just trying to talk himself into it? 

Chesty La Rue and Crotch Boy Translated

Ok, it's been even longer since I've contributed, but PG's latest submissions seemed a little cryptic and were begging for a manslation. So here we go:

Chesty La Rue (I like the sound of that better than "Boobs La Rue" for some reason):

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common

We both have boobs.

and maybe something to share

We can share our bras.

and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?

How do you run with these things without them bouncing around and hurting so much? I haven't been able to figure that out...

,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines

I keep getting busted (no pun intended) in every city I'm in for copping a feel on myself in public.

but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,

But look fast, because my subscription expires tomorrow!! You should also probably be prepared to see more pics of the largest breasts you've ever seen on a man.

take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

I use the word "ciao" in an effort to sound more exotic and/or cultured. I hope it will convince you to have sex with me.

Next we have Crotch Boy:

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.

I'm going to try going the "friends" technique on you. I'm hoping that pretending to want to be your friend will make you want to have sex with me. Because all chicks nail their guy friends, right? Also, despite the plethora of punctuation and grammar mistakes in this message, I've inexplicably used the proper word "affected" instead of "effected" in this sentence. Go figure. And you should punch me in the face right now for using the word "enchantment."

Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.

I'm just reminding you that I'm using the "friends" technique, because that works...right?

Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .

Chicks dig guys who speak foreign languages and want to sleep with them...especially is he's a friend who speaks a foreign language!! Oh, and by "Morocco" I really mean my parents' basement in Chula Vista. This is a terrific arrangement, as my mom brings me all the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets I'll ever need.

So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.

I'm looking for a chick who will put out as quickly as possible. A "morally casual attitude" is also a plus.

i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .

Please have sex with me.

Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Apparently I won't correspond with you unless you have a Hotmail address. Chicks with Gmail accounts need not apply.

Your best friend (removed).

Not only am I your friend...I'm your BEST friend!! The logic here, of course, is that if chicks nail their friends, they must nail their BEST friends even sooner, right?

Boobs La Rue and My New BFF

I feel like it's been a while since I've had some decent material for this blog. I should have known that if I just waited through the weekend, something would pop up, and lucky for all of us, I have two likely candidates today!

First, let me introduce Boobs La Rue. Seriously, this guy's chest is bigger than mine. I'm a little jealous.I not only got a wink, but also an email from Boobs. Here's what he had to say:

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common and maybe something to share and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

First of all, another candidate for spelling and punctuation lessons? Definitely. Also, giving out your email in the first email? I'm guessing his free couple of days were expiring and wanted me to be able to get in touch with him. Boy, don't I feel lucky to be pursued by a guy too cheap to spring for a subscription?

Next up is my new BFF, aka, guy with a bunch of crotch shots in his profile.

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.
Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.
Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .
So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.
i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .
Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your best friend (removed).

Again, someone who's free time is expiring wants my email address. But, he is my best friend, so I shouldn't have a problem with sharing that information, right? Plus, here's another guy who thinks my pictures are splendid. I'm glad I can still enchant 24-year-old guys from Morocco that live with mom & dad.

Someone please remind me why I'm doing this?

Hmmm...this sounds NOTHING like any of the guys...

we've written about here.

Mistakes to avoid when messaging someone online

(From the same site as Hope's last post...lots of fun content over there!)

So many true things about this article.  I almost posted it in it's entirety and linked to all the cool guys we've highlighted on this blog.  But that would have taken all night, and I have to get up early!

Not an April Fool's joke

I saw this article today and had to research to make sure it was for real:

Google offers drunken email tool

Now if they could only extend this to drunken myspace messages (but not blog posts--those are entertaining!).

This is so painfully true...

Check this out:
The 8 Phases of Dating

This is what we all need

I like to read random blogs, and stumbled upon one called "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" last month. It's the blog of a former city girl who is now married, with kids, and lives on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. She has some great recipes, which is how I originally found her blog. While navigating around her site, I found the most addicting blog/story ever. It is the story of how she met her husband, and it's AMAZING. Trust me on this. She is a fantastic writer, and I found that I had to constantly remind myself that this is a true story, not some Hollywood-made drama.

Here is the link...start at the bottom of the page and work up.

This story will serve as a reminder that guys like this exist, and perhaps give all of us single gals a glimmer of hope. I also recommend having a glass bottle of wine on hand.