There are no words...

Meet Julio.
Julio claims to be 32, but looks considerably older. According to his profile, he last read the following "books:"

Adam's Sandler's "First 50 dates" Joseph Campbell's "Hero of a Thousand Faces" Cliff Schecter's "The Real McCain" -- Excellent reading for this year's historic election... Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" LA Times, NY Times... Kamanstra…!!

Let's just clarify something..."50 First Dates," with Adam Sandler, is a movie, not a book. Joseph Campbell wrote "Hero with a Thousand Faces." And I'm pretty sure that the last item that pervy Julio listed here is not "Kamanstra," but the Kama Sutra. You know, just in case one of the fine ladies on match actually agress to sleep with him. He's obviously out to impress us!

He's also an aspiring poet, and boasts that some of his work was published when he was in college! He even graced me, via match message, with an example:

** Under blue skies, we breathe together laughing as our hearts beat as one smiling **

Hey there... Every human is a novel, every human is hero… for your novel reads of eternal beauty and Ill be your hero living in your heart... just wanted to say that. IF/when you feel comfortable, maybe... message: (removed)@live.com; I’m on right now…

“OCEAN WAVES”
III

Ocean waves crash and froth against craggy shores,
Echoing thoughts of your beauty forevermore;
Your hair unfurls simmering in sultry breezes,
Alike waves of kisses melting sand on endless seas.

Gentle night’s breezes softly whisper in my ear,
of wondrous thoughts harboring your beauty near;
Hear crashing waves utter cries upon ivory shores,
alas weeping echoes of sea breezes so near...

It's really too bad that I'm taking my profile down. I really think that he could be the one!

No news is not necessarily good news

At least not in the world of internet dating. I find that sending the "no thanks" messages unnecessarily mean, so if I'm not interested, I usually just don't send a response. Most guys get this, but today, I'm going to tell you about three that just don't get it.

First up, Blandy McBlanderson. He's sent me the same email not once, not twice, but thrice! The first time, I almost responded to him, but by the time I got around to it, his profile was taken down. But now it's back up, and I've gotten the EXACT same email twice in the course of a week (the 20th and 25th).

hey... I came across your profile and thought we might be a good match! take a look at my profile and if you are interested would love to hear from you.

Next up is Aloha. He's sent me three emails (plus a wink) since I signed up for match. I don't have the first email, but here are the two most recent (sent in a 2-week span):
Message #1:

How are you doing? I hope you had a nice weekend. Was wondering if you would like to meet a nice guy with many good qualitites? If I know him I will tell him about you. LOL. Sorry terrible sense of humor. I would like to know more about you if you would like to talk. Please let me know either way. Thanks and good luck. Aloha

Message #2:

How are you? I would like to get to know you better but my membership is expiring. Please email me @(removed)@yahoo. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care. Aloha

Finally, saving the best for last, is The Professor. Let's cross-reference this guy with the Old Fart Files. The Prof is 45 years old (making him 16 years older than me), and lives in Massachusetts, 3000 miles away from me. I've received a wink and two emails. Because if I haven't responded to the wink and first email, that second email is going to totally seal the deal!

Message #1: Subject: Hello! I am interested

I live in Boston. I was in SD last Summer and I love it. I would like to come again during the Winter for a longer period. I am looking for my soul-mate and life partner, and I have the profile which you are looking for.
I like your photo with glasses.
Waiting to hear from you.

I particularly enjoy the unnecessary capitalizations In his Message.

Message #2: Subject: I like the "Big Deal"
(yes, I reference Anchorman in my profile--don't judge!)

I would love to hear from you

I don't know...this makes me think I should be more cut-throat, although I know I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those "no thanks" emails. Although I wanted to send a more bitchy email to The Prof, I just told him that I was looking for someone in my geographic area, and wished him luck. Then I called my mom and told her what I wanted to really say in my message!

It's been a while...

I've been taking a dating hiatus, so I want to apologize for the lack of posts. But while sitting on my couch today, doing lots of nothing, I came across just a gem of a profile...and here it is:

"im recently divorced " 6 months " lonliness setting in hardcore. I really need a companion sum1 2 care 4 and who can care 4 me without trying 2 change me i'm very emo and need a friend at least 6 years is a long time and theres alot to let go of"

I don't even know what most of that means.

Oh, and what would he want to do on a first date?

"nice dinner and a sunset before 1 of my shows " vocalist ""

Huh?

Was that a question?

I should start a new series on this blog...I think I'd call it "Old Guy of the Week."  As I've posted numerous times before, I seem to be a magnet for old farts.  They usually write to me on the weekends, so I always have fresh material for the beginning of the work week.

This one was received on Saturday.  Unfortunately, his freebie period has expired, so I can't post his picture.  I'm calling him the Fresh Prince, since his screen name reminds me of him.  Fresh Prince is 44, and looks like a generic older guy, brownish, thinning hair, and a goatee.  Here's what he had to say (referring to my profile):

Subject: hey tall and lovely,

So you're a clutz?  At 5'10"..... you can afford to be :)

Do you like to dance? cause I would really love to dance with you?

FreshPrince,

Ignoring the retarded punctuation, since we've picked it apart 100 times on here, I have to wonder...would he really love to dance with me?  Or is he just trying to talk himself into it? 

Chesty La Rue and Crotch Boy Translated

Ok, it's been even longer since I've contributed, but PG's latest submissions seemed a little cryptic and were begging for a manslation. So here we go:

Chesty La Rue (I like the sound of that better than "Boobs La Rue" for some reason):

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common

We both have boobs.

and maybe something to share

We can share our bras.

and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?

How do you run with these things without them bouncing around and hurting so much? I haven't been able to figure that out...

,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines

I keep getting busted (no pun intended) in every city I'm in for copping a feel on myself in public.

but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,

But look fast, because my subscription expires tomorrow!! You should also probably be prepared to see more pics of the largest breasts you've ever seen on a man.

take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

I use the word "ciao" in an effort to sound more exotic and/or cultured. I hope it will convince you to have sex with me.

Next we have Crotch Boy:

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.

I'm going to try going the "friends" technique on you. I'm hoping that pretending to want to be your friend will make you want to have sex with me. Because all chicks nail their guy friends, right? Also, despite the plethora of punctuation and grammar mistakes in this message, I've inexplicably used the proper word "affected" instead of "effected" in this sentence. Go figure. And you should punch me in the face right now for using the word "enchantment."

Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.

I'm just reminding you that I'm using the "friends" technique, because that works...right?

Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .

Chicks dig guys who speak foreign languages and want to sleep with them...especially is he's a friend who speaks a foreign language!! Oh, and by "Morocco" I really mean my parents' basement in Chula Vista. This is a terrific arrangement, as my mom brings me all the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets I'll ever need.

So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.

I'm looking for a chick who will put out as quickly as possible. A "morally casual attitude" is also a plus.

i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .

Please have sex with me.

Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Apparently I won't correspond with you unless you have a Hotmail address. Chicks with Gmail accounts need not apply.

Your best friend (removed).

Not only am I your friend...I'm your BEST friend!! The logic here, of course, is that if chicks nail their friends, they must nail their BEST friends even sooner, right?

Boobs La Rue and My New BFF

I feel like it's been a while since I've had some decent material for this blog. I should have known that if I just waited through the weekend, something would pop up, and lucky for all of us, I have two likely candidates today!

First, let me introduce Boobs La Rue. Seriously, this guy's chest is bigger than mine. I'm a little jealous.I not only got a wink, but also an email from Boobs. Here's what he had to say:

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common and maybe something to share and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

First of all, another candidate for spelling and punctuation lessons? Definitely. Also, giving out your email in the first email? I'm guessing his free couple of days were expiring and wanted me to be able to get in touch with him. Boy, don't I feel lucky to be pursued by a guy too cheap to spring for a subscription?

Next up is my new BFF, aka, guy with a bunch of crotch shots in his profile.

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.
Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.
Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .
So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.
i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .
Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your best friend (removed).

Again, someone who's free time is expiring wants my email address. But, he is my best friend, so I shouldn't have a problem with sharing that information, right? Plus, here's another guy who thinks my pictures are splendid. I'm glad I can still enchant 24-year-old guys from Morocco that live with mom & dad.

Someone please remind me why I'm doing this?

Hmmm...this sounds NOTHING like any of the guys...

we've written about here.

Mistakes to avoid when messaging someone online

(From the same site as Hope's last post...lots of fun content over there!)

So many true things about this article.  I almost posted it in it's entirety and linked to all the cool guys we've highlighted on this blog.  But that would have taken all night, and I have to get up early!

Not an April Fool's joke

I saw this article today and had to research to make sure it was for real:

Google offers drunken email tool

Now if they could only extend this to drunken myspace messages (but not blog posts--those are entertaining!).

This is so painfully true...

Check this out:
The 8 Phases of Dating

This is what we all need

I like to read random blogs, and stumbled upon one called "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" last month. It's the blog of a former city girl who is now married, with kids, and lives on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. She has some great recipes, which is how I originally found her blog. While navigating around her site, I found the most addicting blog/story ever. It is the story of how she met her husband, and it's AMAZING. Trust me on this. She is a fantastic writer, and I found that I had to constantly remind myself that this is a true story, not some Hollywood-made drama.

Here is the link...start at the bottom of the page and work up.

This story will serve as a reminder that guys like this exist, and perhaps give all of us single gals a glimmer of hope. I also recommend having a glass bottle of wine on hand.