We're Baaaaacccckkkkk.......

Yep, Hope and I are back in the dating saddle.

It was an interesting 6 months of relationship. As a great friend once said, "You should only invest 6 months, and then end it. That's it, and you don't throw a fit."

So far, pretty valid advice for a woman who is financially secure, a homeowner, has the children she wants to have, and finds herself in a dating pool of men who are in the same boat. Or who have never learned the fine art of commitment. There is a reason those men have never been in a real long term relationship.

Anyways, back in the saddle, means more internet dating faux pas.

The one I have issue with currently is LOL. If I read that, I instantly discredit your ability to process information. I will take a "Ha" and "Heh", even a "Laugh out loud". But you use LOL, and I want to groan and dry heave at the same time.

Here is a little example:

Someone emailed me this flirty little response to my tagline of "Sarcasm, one of the many services I offer."

"Ok, I'll bite. What other services to you offer?"

After I try to look at his profile, which is hidden, I reply,

"Wouldn't you like to know, Mr. I-Hid-My-Profile?"

He then kills the buzz with:

"Lol!

Actually, i am not a member. I was but it ran out. I use my phone to check the site. How's your summer going? What do you do?"

1. Lied, because you can't email without an account.
2. Used LOL.

Blech!

It's good to know I'm not the only one...

Best of Craigslist is always good for an afternoon laugh, and it did its job for me this afternoon. Being an average-looking short guy myself, I really think this guy describes dating life from a male perspective pretty well!!

Why I'll never succeed in the W4M forum!

And he responded...

The guy I emailed, to ask for the reason of his posting his TV bracket, etc., responded:


No worries, that is a good question you have. In the past I met my ex girlfriend on this web site. Before we met, she explained to me that she had a met a guy on this website who she found out on their first date he was living with his mother. So she asked me to put up some pics of my bachelor's pad that I live in by myself. So I complied for her, and I guess I have forgotten about that and just left my profile the way it was. She said she also wanted a picture of my 2003 Porsche 911 Carrera 4 Cabriolet, so I put that picture up also.

No comments needed. I didn't respond, but he emailed me a couple of days later:

Well, I enjoyed reading your profile. You made me laugh and smile. I should warn you that I am a Seattle Seahawks fan. But I did stand in line at Scolaris grocery store for over an hour and voted early for John McCain. Unfortunately we lost. Even though I disagree with the democrats, I hope they can make things better than they are now.

I am also Dutch and Scottish, 50/50.

It's almost as if he's responding to an email I wrote him, which I didn't. I will pay one of my friends to go on a date with him. Seriously. That would provide endless blogging material.

This may be mean...

...but I had to do it. I just had to. I sent an email to the guy in my previous post, asking why he chose to include some of those pictures in his profile.

I was looking at your profile and have a question for you. I don't want this to come off as rude, because that's not how it's intended; just simple curiosity. Why did you include some of the pictures of your house/condo? For example, the picture of the bowl on your counter, or the one of your TV's wall bracket. Just curious if there's something I'm missing. Have a great day!

Actually I did it for you guys. Yeah, that's my story. Because I know you want to know.

My Christmas present to you, my readers

It's been a LONG time since I've posted any pictures of guys I've encountered on match. As my Christmas present to all of you, I presenting you with, perhaps, the best Creme d' le Crap entry yet. Why is it the best? Because this guy is totally serious.

He seems normal, right? Almost McDreamy-esque:Okay, this one isn't too bad...maybe he's a teacher and is forced to take pictures like this for the year book:

And then there's this. I'm not quite sure what to say. He's wearing a wife-beater, and I'm assuming that's his "making sexy" face. There are more photos of him wearing this "outfit," but I'll spare you:
No profile is complete without a picture of your Porsche, parked in your apartment complex. I don't know about you gals, but my first thought when I see this picture isn't "wow, you drive a nice car." It's more like "why didn't you use that money to buy a house?".
Of course, maybe his apartment/condo is some sort of luxury community, right? Oh, have no fear, he included pictures of his humble little abode:
Perhaps the oddest picture I've ever seen on match, a picture of his TV wall bracket thing. Maybe he's trying to show his sweet surround sound wiring?

And finally, there is this...if he could put a caption on it, I'm sure it would say "where all the magic happens." And might I add, interesting furniture configuration.
So there you go. Call this reason #394083 why I am still single. I mean really? Really?

Email Extravaganza

I know, it's been a while...but here are some emails I've received lately:

1: "Most 45 year old guys do not copy Mr. Olympia's training video. All of the successful older guys in my neighborhood have a wife that is twenty years younger. Okay, I probably grossed you out, but I just wanted to say, anyone as spunky as you who watches FOX channel is good for someone, some lucky guy who wishes Nevada was 100% a "Red" state."

(Yes, that's the entire email)

2: "Hello and top of the end of the week:) I love that you're into politics...I just got elected. *We'll have to talk if I hear back:) Me? Yale and Ohio University educated, tri lingual (although my Italian is sometimes just Spanish with an Italian accent), extremely well traveled, former trip leader for an adventure company, I don't litter, don't end sentences with prepositions, have composed appalingly bad Haiku, can't spell without spell check even though my degree was in English Education...and hope to hear back from you!"

(Um, pretentious much?)

3. "I like pina coladas, i get caught in the rain more often than i should, conduct long walks on tahoe beach with my dawgs, and totally not into Yoga, but i am loyal, honest, and have a passion for adventure. When I am not touring the globe taming wild horses, i am scouring the jungles in search a cure for male pattern baldness. Ok so not really, i was gonna be a outlaw biker though, and was all set to purchase my vest (credentials) and go look for a HOG (more credentials), when i was told i would have to ride a motorcycle. SO i bid farewell to my vest, voluptuous lady friend and life of danger and headed off to Florida to Flight school. I am now a corporate pilot, and i wear slacks, white shirts, ties, and dress shoes (boring). I chase slender women and so no longer can i refer to them as my HOG. MY how life can change when you hit the thirties :) So there is a bit of a taste of my personality, i am all about having fun and making people laugh. I am a pilot and i truly love my career. I dont take life too seriously, instead i just simply enjoy what it brings. So write me back if you found any of this funny or interesting."

(Nope, I don't.)

4. "Wow, you are cute,i take it you dont like spiders I am a COWBOYS fan,& that karate thing scares me,ive never been in a fight in my life,but i see how you might need to protect your self from the boys.So if you got mad @ Me ,you would kick my butt.Thats not right.Im sure i could hold you down for a while,and im taller than you ,so i could probably run faster than you.So there ,you would have to catch me first."

(I'm pretty sure I would just let you run away.)

Didn't know I went out with a retarded guy, did ya?

Apparently I did.  This is so bad, that I'm posting here, instead of on my regular blog.

For the background, read here and here.  

I fancy myself a smart person.  I frequently found myself on the honor roll in middle school and high school, and the dean's list in college, eventually graduating magna cum laude.  The thing is, some really smart people, while good with the books, lack common sense.  (I'm not painting all smarties with the same brush...I realize Hope is a Mensa member, and she's pretty cool.)  By the way, random side note, a former co-worker used to call me Mensa, and my Spanish-speaking co-workers totally made fun of me, calling me mensa (note the lower-case m--very important in the translation).  Anyhow, Moses is apparently one of these retarded smart people.  Not only did he try asking me out once after I blew him off (see 2nd linked post above), but he tried contacting me again!

Flashback to the Tuesday before Turkey Day.  I had just flown up to Sacramento, and was spending the evening at my bro & sis-in-law's new house.  It was late, and we were hanging out talking.  Around 10pm, my cell phone signaled an incoming text  When I saw who it was from, I groaned, but read:

I really, really like myself.  Do you know how awesome it is to be happy for the world, just to know its lucky enough to have people like yourself in it? I hope so.  Also, i'm kinda drunk.

I love that even in his inebriated state, he was still able to spell and punctuate almost entirely correctly.  But, I didn't respond.  I don't understand why this guy thinks that I left the door open to his nerdy advances, or why he thinks it's OK to keep contacting me when I very obviously am not interested in him.  Ugh.