Gifted and Talented

A couple days ago, I got a wink from The Tongue. I've previously mentioned that I'm a big magnet for the 40+ crowd, so I was confused a bit at being winked at by a 22-year-old. Luckily, he's very literate. Take, for example, his headline:

I now how to use my toung!!!!

And beyond that, his "About Me" section:

I just want some one i can get with no strings atached. I wode be nice if the persone i contack is just looking for the same thing that way we whode both now were we both stand. Im just interested in sex sex and more sex i will get you off and you will get me off thats all the maters.

And more:

for fun:

Hi my name is (removed to protect the moronic) im just here looking to meet up with some one for some descrite noty fun...

my job:

Some people tell me i look like colinferal.

How is it a job to look like "colinferal?" And since when is Colin Farrell just one smushed together, poorly spelled word? I think I've found another student ready to enroll in the Hope Singleton School for Guys Who Can't Spell Good and Stuff.

And finally, why pay for a match subscription when you can post this garbage on Craigslist Casual Encounters for free?

The Gallery of the Absurd

I went out of town last weekend, and didn't really log into match until Tuesday afternoon. Needless to say, I had several interesting winks and emails waiting for me. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car as we take a tour through the Gallery of the Absurd...

Stop number 1: "Cheerio from England!"

i am caring, loving, honest, sincere with a good sense of humour. i love helping people in needs especially children and women, i like to make the world a better place if i have the chance. my match should be a very understanding person

Cheerio's favorite hotspots:

the carribean and i like asians especially thier food

I bet he likes their children and women too.

Next stop: Denmark, where we meet Hamlet. Hamlet actually lives in the San Diego area, unlike Cheerio.

Some gems from his intro:

Yes, it would be nice if you loved 'dogs'; With that said, I shall continue... I am very athletic and usually full of energy. I enjoy being with a woman that does not feel the need to hold back...I'll open every door for you and always help you with your bra.

I'm not really sure what he means by 'dogs.' Hmmm.... And this from a brief email he sent me (after I didn't wink back):

I'm getting better at holding my Wii after breaking a vase.

Wow, do we need to start talking about your "wii" already?

And, our last stop is rather lengthy. I defintely smell a form email from Dexter. I'm pretty sure judging by his pictures that he is a serial killer. Although you can't see it here, he has crazy eyes. Anyway, Dexter thinks he is pretty awesome. Behold!

Pay no attention to that subject line, it means nothing. I just wanted to get your attention. Something about your profile intrigued me, and I want to give this a try. I have noticed that some women seem to approach this, meeting people over the internet, with a particular focus. Some would say that they have a certain picture of what they want, and they're out to disqualify as many men as possible, so that they can separate that jewel from the glass which clutters everything up.

To each his own. Everyone has standards, and it is easy to test each new person against those standards. Maybe when you go out with a man, after you get back you say to yourself, "He seems to have a lot of this, but not enough of that" or "I like this and this about him, but there's this one thing that bothers me." And while it is quite natural to evaluate someone like that, I find that I never do it. At least not with someone I really like. I have often found that you don't really know that you wanted something, or even that you were looking for something, until after you've found it. Almost as if you stumble onto it by accident. And when that's what's happening, that's when you can
set aside all those old standards that really only apply to those
people in your past, and instead, you can listen to the voice of
curiosity, as it tells you that this person has something to offer.
Now, with me, that is the kind of excitement I look for in a
relationship, and when that excitement is there, that is when I feel
compelled to grab for it, before it slips away.

Well, I did not mean to make this so long and rambling. Have I
piqued your interest? Good! I look forward to your response. Of
course, you don't have to email me right away. You might want to take a few moments to read this over before you email me. Then you can look back on it and enjoy the satisfaction you feel as you look forward to receiving my reply.

I'll just let that last message speak for itself.

Too short to date?

As you all know, Hope and Padresgirl have pretty strict requirements for dating men. One of those requirements is height.

Now, I would like to share with you all that I am 5'2". So, I guess I can count myself as extremely lucky. There are almost no guys out there shorter than me, unless they are a "little person". And I tell Hope all of the time, "You should at least give the guy a chance, especially because he doesn't lie about his height". And as you all know, Match is a place to weed out liars. And the grammatically-challenged, but that is another story.

Apparently, I should be writing articles for MSN and calling myself Dr. Jaimi.

Really? Was this necessary?

Look at this guy:He's cute, right? And has a nice body, right? However, his picture is sort of acting like a woman repellent, at least for me. When I see this picture, I don't first see that he's cute or that he has a nice body, I see that he's a tool...a tool who really likes himself. A tool I would never date. Would you?

Vote for Pedro!

Pedro looks like someone out of Napoleon Dynamite....and this is his "Glamor Shots by Deb" picture. Sometimes words just aren't necessary.

"She's a man, baby" or Pat II

There is no way this is a man. Absolutely not. This is a woman who is in the process of becoming a man. Totally.

Here are few clues:

"if your looking for a big hunk of man meat then hear i am baby!!!!! "

"last read:
street trucks, and to be honest a playboy.. "

"i also like trying new things im very open minded"

Also stated is "she" is 6'1". Does this picture look like a 6'1" picture? I am guessing 5'4". And "she" needs an open-minded girl, so that she won't freak out when that the big hunk of man meat is a strap-on.

Week 6 Results

In a not-so-amazing upset, Frak Me demolished Rico Suave. This was our best voter turn-out to date, so thank everyone for participating!

Smells like stinky cheese

I seem to be a magnet for the over-40 set on Match. The latest in this string of 40-somethings is Brie. He's so cheesy, he's kinda gooey (and a little moldy on the outside).

Simply put...I am still looking for that rare pearl...called Juliette la romantic…to help makes a life journey...feel like a blink of an eye...as we both navigate a deep ocean of romance...on board of our sail boat called Destiny...!
Voila!

To prove that he's "euro," take a peek at his feet in the above picture. Yes, he's wearing loafer with no socks. So his feet probably do smell like stinky cheese!

And once again, just like this guy, I have to ask the question...who actually falls for this crap? Just be real, and women will want to talk to you. OK, not a lot of 29-year-old women, but still...

Frak Me

Meet Frak. Any Battlestar Galactica fans out there? He's looking for you. A 26 yr old native who has never lived more than 30 miles from his parents, Frak screams mating material. Here are a few of his clever quips:

"I'm looking for something immediate. Not necessarily short term, but I'm not looking to the future. "

"my job:
I hate my job and don't like talking about it."

"Sports and exercise: Baseball, Billiards / Pool, Bowling

Exercise habits: Never

Daily diet: Fast food"

Doesn't he seem so healthy? Emotionally and physically - Frak is just rock hard!

Rico Suave

My entry for week 6 is Rico Suave. Here is his picture:Now, if I can pull you away of staring at those curly locks, this is what he emailed me:

"Want to grab a tea and run your fingers through my hair?"

Huh? Surely, this must be a joke, right? So I emailed him back and asked him just that. His response? Nope, not a joke.

By the way, I hate hair. Mine's okay, but I don't enjoy touching other people's hair. As in after I go to a hair salon I feel the need to shower. Maybe I need to put that in my profile.

Results

Well, Mr. Average is the winner from last week...it was a tough competition. Thanks for voting!

I can has LOL Match?

Anyone out there familiar with the lolcats of "I can has cheezeburger?" Well, I think I got a LolMatch the other day. I'm pretty excited, because not only do I get annoyed with lots of abbreviations in text messages (see here and here), but this guy can't even write out a 3-letter word in an email! How kewl is that?! Quoth LolMatch:

hey lady uu look wonderfull i would like to see uu ...

Before we move onto some of the beauty that is his profile, I present his picture (and I apologize in advance for my "Paint" skillz, but I couldn't resist):

I am from Anywhere it does nt matter if you like me and have studied Economy in Turkey. I have been in San Diego a year and studying MBA weeow . I like hang out with my friends, go to beache, surf , nightclubs and playing all kind of sports especially soccer i played 4yr in Uni. And also I like to travel, taking photographs like hobby for me , dancing i am telling before i am good about it :) and going to cinema. I am funny and social i mean open to public :) . I like to smile i mean sometimes who is funnier than me yauw :) and want my parter to smile ,sexy , beauty, chili bla bla bla.Therefore i can except myself like a housebroken i mean i like to spent my time at home actually there is a many reason to being like that i am a good cooker i love my kitchen and i am always creating new things at the kitchen :) , and i am blockbuster fanatic and rent and watch at my home with popcorn :) Plus as i mention that i like the sport and i always running 3 times in a week i lke exercise and i always keep fit my body it, s really imp. than i realy like the hangout with my friends to anywhere i can, t say i am a very selective people about the nightclub but i, ve same place the special for me. Finally What i am looking for briefly i want a trustable , honest and real woman thats all thanks for interesting my intro i hope to see uu asap baii :)

Don't get me wrong...I'm not busting his chops because of the obvious "English as a Second Language" issue. My issue is with the "words" like "weeow," "yauw," and "uu." At least he's housebroken!

This explains soooo much

Why guys go for outta-their-league ladies:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26631462/?GT1=43001

A woman in a man's body

For the first time (I think), I have an addition from the eharmony site instead of match. The difference between eharmony and match is that you don't get to pick your matches, they match you. I always complain that I never get matched with anyone who lives near me, so you can imagine my excitement when I finally did. Then I looked at his picture and read the profile:
Why, WHY do guys think that girls will like shirtless pictures in front of a truck? Yes, you're muscly, but you are way too muscly for my tastes. Anyway, here is an excerpt from his profile:

"what a softy I am a woman in a mans body,a die hard romantic and very touchy feely"

Just to give the guy a chance, I decided to send him the first round of questions. Here is the question and his response:

"Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?

im living my dream job so wherever life takes me off course i work for more but not to beat the jones"

I'll take "Double Entendres" for $1000, Alex

OK, even though I'm taking the week off from dating, I still feel compelled to see what is going on in the Match.com world. After a long day of sitting through a conference, I felt the need for some entertainment. That lead me to look at the "Who's Viewed Me" section of my profile. Boy, oh boy, did I ever have a treat waiting for me! I'd like to introduce Grandpa. Grandpa is 19 years my senior, but looks about 29 years older. His relationship status is "Currently Separated," and he has kids that "sometimes live at home." Wish I could post a picture, but I can't do it from my laptop. Update: The Man (that's who I work for) wouldn't spring for a hotel room tonight, so I am able to post you a picture of Grandpa! Anyway, Grandpa has viewed my profile several times. His profile includes some of the following gems:

"Sparkling, sexy, energetic and imaginative!"

"The Grand Tetons in Wyoming is one of the most beautiful places on earth..."

So, to sum up, Grandpa like girls with "Grand Tetons" (which begs the question...why's he looking at me???), and he likes to get freaky in the bedroom. Why, God, has this man not emailed me???

Double the fun

Just so you all can have some additional eye candy on this Monday morning, I'm including not only Mr. Average, but his apparent friend. Mr. Average is the one on the right.

Here are some beautiful words from his profile:

"Wow.Im hoping to meet someone decent on this site.I think im average. I do look better in person, and about 10 yrs younger than i am.Good for me, thank mom for her genes.lol I look like a cross between woody on cheers and me.lol.At least that's what im told.. Im more muscular build I could go on &on here about me, but i think it's getting boring.sooooo.There."

I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone describe themselves as generally average. Way to shoot for the stars! And I don't know if I would call someone with a beer belly and man boobs muscular, but that may just be me. Oh, and his age is 38. There is no way he looks 28...perhaps 48.

Can't....Do....Plaid....

Please meet Plaid.

Hideous sweater + hideous couch = Eyesore

Eyesore = No date

Notice the date on the pic? This pic was taken THIS YEAR. Not back in the 80's or 90's. 2008.

Here are a few gems.

"my ethnicity:
I'm not the smallest guy in the park. but I'm in pretty good shape."

When did ethnicity change to mean body shape? And, dude, you are 5'7". There are not many guys shorter than you.

And I love this line:

"Some day my God will bring me His perfect woman."

His woman? Oh, so you want God's woman now, huh?

Week 4 Results

Looks like Fannyman beat out No Service, 5-3.

I would like to point out, there was some disagreement on whether that was a gold fanny pack or a championship belt. Oh well, both are pretty cheesy.

Attack of the ellipsis

I got a lot of emails over the weekend from what my brother would call "older gentlemen." In my case, this is any guy 10 years or more my senior. I'm going to share my favorite one with you, because it is a work of art. And by art, I mean poorly capitalized, poorly punctuated crap. The sender is 20 years older than me and lives about 200 miles away. He's divorced with two kids (a big deal-breaker for me). He also claims to be searching for women in the 38-44 year range, yet he blessed me with the following message.

Hi !.....
WOW!....you are a very stunning person.
i read your profile first , knowing what your initial pic reflected, i wanted to read and see who is really behind the projection....
yes , it is true that "you only get one chance to make the first impression".
i like that fact that you are a very well rounded peson and just not the beautiful woman that is in the picture..
your thoughts ,desires and hidden ambitions struck me as genuine and very energetic.
thats important, and it's very exciting that you shared "WHAT YOU REALLY LIKE", from your heart and not just the "GIRLY" emotions,wants and needs. ( which are very important as well..)
if i may say, i'm also looking to meet a person just like you...not afraid to express their true self and desires of the person they're seeking.
now i will agree with what i read and what i see...
you are an increadiablly beautiful and very driven woman....
you have the beauty that you only glimpse in a blooming flower.....
"It's Better To Have Tried And Failed,
Than to have never Tried At All".......( S W C )
I know your a very pretty and gorgeous woman!
if you'd like we could share your ambitions, desires and dreams.....
fun it will be and exhausting it can be.....
"we can sit down dying or get up and start living"........
i know i can make you smile...or at least my two dogs will have your heart by days end.....lol
my name is (removed to protect the guilty) and i would love to meet up with you,and just enjoy a nice evening,day whatever ...of conversation and see if we can prolong an initial introductory.....
p.s. yes....you made my knees shake a bit....lol

I wonder if this works on the ladies in his age group? It kind of made me throw up in my mouth a little bit, but maybe that's just me.

My Own Personal Creepy Geezer

I was the recipient of a wink yesterday. And, boy, was I happy to see this fella! (Insert unsmiley face here)He intro's himself with this catchy little phrase: "Lonely and waiting darlins"

Here are a few of profile statements:

"Well, to start with, I'm a retired truck driver."
"I'm 6'3", 245 lbs, brn hair, hazel eyes, love to just take it easy now that I'm off the road."
"I love younger women"
"Is faithful, no cheating, hgt, wgt proportionate, dark hair, is unshaven, I love hair."

And everything I am is a turn-off to him:

"Turn-offs:
Body piercings,
Boldness / Assertiveness,
Brainiacs,
Sarcasm,
Tattoos,
Thrills"

Did I mention he was 68 years old?

No Shirt, No Shoes

I would like to introduce you to No Service.

Now, I would like to stress this is not the main picture on his page. And the other pictures make him look like fun! So, why in hell did he add this one!?!

He also has issues with punctuation, capitalization, but at least he can spell...

"Im the guy who takes everything in stride one day at a time i am very easy to get along with and easy to do anything i do have my opinions but who hasnt i love cuddling and watching movies and i am a very romantic person if you have any questions just ask"

I have a question, No Service. Exactly how big is your ego? Cause we can see how big everything else is.

FannyMan

My entry for this week is FannyMan. Wow, odd name, right? You'll understand as soon as you see this:
Yes, that is a fanny pack. Has anyone worn those since 1992? Really?

FannyMan has a very user friendly profile- you can almost call it "Responding to Profiles for Dummies." He lists his attributes and then tells the reader whether or not they should contact him based on what they want. I, for one, am very thankful for this, since I often read a profile that I really like then find myself not knowing the next step: "Hmm, this guy is perfect. Now do I respond or ignore it? It's all so confusing."

"I am a 39 year old native to the area. I just completed my first year as a teacher. So i am ready to have some fun this summer. So if you enjoy lively discussions and quick humor then please proceed. I have been described as both serious and irreverent. I enjoy fine dining or the rib cook off. I enjoy being near water, river, lake, ocean, even fountains. i enjoy walks under the stars, cuddling by the fire or dining by candlelight. If these are a few of your favorite things call me. Are you smart? Attractive? Do you have a sence of humor? Good then call me. Do you like jerks who are contolling and mean and wont treat you like you deserve? If so don't call me. Do you want to have a good time? Looking for some romance? If so then reply."

Week 3 Results

In a shocking upset, Torchman beat Pat 6-2. Congrats, blogger Jaimi, on your victory! Week 4 entries will be posted soon.

Red Pill or Blue Pill

Ladies, meet Neo. Neo is a 25-year-old jiu-jitsu practitioner and Matrix wannabe. He says he lives with roommates. Pretty sure that means "mom and dad." Under education, he writes:

I already got my Associates. Now i have my sights set on my Bachelors. *sigh* here we go...

*Sigh* school is hard, yo.

But the fun doesn't end there. On Saturday night, I got an email from him! Be still my heart! The subject line? "Hey cutie"

wow you have a cool profile! in one picture im not sure whats going on with your face, like a reverse water fountain that pours up??? and then in the other it appears that you are getting on a wooden segway like damn i didnt know segways have been around since the wild wild west days. well i think you are a total cutie and i would love to get to know you better. wanna go out somtime? i right next to balboa park..

This guy really knows something about the ladies. I mean, what girl out there doesn't like to hear "im not sure whats going on with your face..."? Am I right? And for the record, this is the picture he's referring to:
Bonus points to any reader who can tell me the what and where of this picture! :-)