This may be mean...

...but I had to do it. I just had to. I sent an email to the guy in my previous post, asking why he chose to include some of those pictures in his profile.

I was looking at your profile and have a question for you. I don't want this to come off as rude, because that's not how it's intended; just simple curiosity. Why did you include some of the pictures of your house/condo? For example, the picture of the bowl on your counter, or the one of your TV's wall bracket. Just curious if there's something I'm missing. Have a great day!

Actually I did it for you guys. Yeah, that's my story. Because I know you want to know.

My Christmas present to you, my readers

It's been a LONG time since I've posted any pictures of guys I've encountered on match. As my Christmas present to all of you, I presenting you with, perhaps, the best Creme d' le Crap entry yet. Why is it the best? Because this guy is totally serious.

He seems normal, right? Almost McDreamy-esque:Okay, this one isn't too bad...maybe he's a teacher and is forced to take pictures like this for the year book:

And then there's this. I'm not quite sure what to say. He's wearing a wife-beater, and I'm assuming that's his "making sexy" face. There are more photos of him wearing this "outfit," but I'll spare you:
No profile is complete without a picture of your Porsche, parked in your apartment complex. I don't know about you gals, but my first thought when I see this picture isn't "wow, you drive a nice car." It's more like "why didn't you use that money to buy a house?".
Of course, maybe his apartment/condo is some sort of luxury community, right? Oh, have no fear, he included pictures of his humble little abode:
Perhaps the oddest picture I've ever seen on match, a picture of his TV wall bracket thing. Maybe he's trying to show his sweet surround sound wiring?

And finally, there is this...if he could put a caption on it, I'm sure it would say "where all the magic happens." And might I add, interesting furniture configuration.
So there you go. Call this reason #394083 why I am still single. I mean really? Really?

Email Extravaganza

I know, it's been a while...but here are some emails I've received lately:

1: "Most 45 year old guys do not copy Mr. Olympia's training video. All of the successful older guys in my neighborhood have a wife that is twenty years younger. Okay, I probably grossed you out, but I just wanted to say, anyone as spunky as you who watches FOX channel is good for someone, some lucky guy who wishes Nevada was 100% a "Red" state."

(Yes, that's the entire email)

2: "Hello and top of the end of the week:) I love that you're into politics...I just got elected. *We'll have to talk if I hear back:) Me? Yale and Ohio University educated, tri lingual (although my Italian is sometimes just Spanish with an Italian accent), extremely well traveled, former trip leader for an adventure company, I don't litter, don't end sentences with prepositions, have composed appalingly bad Haiku, can't spell without spell check even though my degree was in English Education...and hope to hear back from you!"

(Um, pretentious much?)

3. "I like pina coladas, i get caught in the rain more often than i should, conduct long walks on tahoe beach with my dawgs, and totally not into Yoga, but i am loyal, honest, and have a passion for adventure. When I am not touring the globe taming wild horses, i am scouring the jungles in search a cure for male pattern baldness. Ok so not really, i was gonna be a outlaw biker though, and was all set to purchase my vest (credentials) and go look for a HOG (more credentials), when i was told i would have to ride a motorcycle. SO i bid farewell to my vest, voluptuous lady friend and life of danger and headed off to Florida to Flight school. I am now a corporate pilot, and i wear slacks, white shirts, ties, and dress shoes (boring). I chase slender women and so no longer can i refer to them as my HOG. MY how life can change when you hit the thirties :) So there is a bit of a taste of my personality, i am all about having fun and making people laugh. I am a pilot and i truly love my career. I dont take life too seriously, instead i just simply enjoy what it brings. So write me back if you found any of this funny or interesting."

(Nope, I don't.)

4. "Wow, you are cute,i take it you dont like spiders I am a COWBOYS fan,& that karate thing scares me,ive never been in a fight in my life,but i see how you might need to protect your self from the boys.So if you got mad @ Me ,you would kick my butt.Thats not right.Im sure i could hold you down for a while,and im taller than you ,so i could probably run faster than you.So there ,you would have to catch me first."

(I'm pretty sure I would just let you run away.)

Didn't know I went out with a retarded guy, did ya?

Apparently I did.  This is so bad, that I'm posting here, instead of on my regular blog.

For the background, read here and here.  

I fancy myself a smart person.  I frequently found myself on the honor roll in middle school and high school, and the dean's list in college, eventually graduating magna cum laude.  The thing is, some really smart people, while good with the books, lack common sense.  (I'm not painting all smarties with the same brush...I realize Hope is a Mensa member, and she's pretty cool.)  By the way, random side note, a former co-worker used to call me Mensa, and my Spanish-speaking co-workers totally made fun of me, calling me mensa (note the lower-case m--very important in the translation).  Anyhow, Moses is apparently one of these retarded smart people.  Not only did he try asking me out once after I blew him off (see 2nd linked post above), but he tried contacting me again!

Flashback to the Tuesday before Turkey Day.  I had just flown up to Sacramento, and was spending the evening at my bro & sis-in-law's new house.  It was late, and we were hanging out talking.  Around 10pm, my cell phone signaled an incoming text  When I saw who it was from, I groaned, but read:

I really, really like myself.  Do you know how awesome it is to be happy for the world, just to know its lucky enough to have people like yourself in it? I hope so.  Also, i'm kinda drunk.

I love that even in his inebriated state, he was still able to spell and punctuate almost entirely correctly.  But, I didn't respond.  I don't understand why this guy thinks that I left the door open to his nerdy advances, or why he thinks it's OK to keep contacting me when I very obviously am not interested in him.  Ugh. 

This can't be for real...can it?

Check out this website:

http://mulletpassions.com

It bills itself as a social networking site for singles with mullets.  You can even browse by mullet style! Any readers with a mullet, or just daring enough to sign up and check it out?  If this is any incentive, it's free!

FYI: I found this through one of my favorite sites, Smart Bitches, Trashy Books.

Take a breath...

I got the following email from someone on match:

"My name is garrett and 4 some reason i cant seem 2 get my picture posted but i thought u sound interesting and would like 2 know more about u"

I hate this new trend of using letters instead of numbers. I can somewhat accept it in text messages (but it still bugs me), but an email? To someone you want to date?

For fun, I looked at his profile. The following is his ENTIRE profile:

"30 yr old male decent shape atractive outgoing and fun looking 4 the same fun outgoing must like kids like outdoors 4 wheeling camping a plus i enjoy all music but listne 2 country the most enjoy going out also like 2 stay in im honest faithful and loving"

This isn't even a run-on sentence, because to be one, it must be an actual sentence. Perhaps with some sort of punctuation mark thrown in there. No, his profile is just a bunch of words. It's like he simply barfed out his profile.

Now the real question, should I email him back? Hmmm. Gonna take a pass on that...

At least he's honest...

You know, something has to be said for a guy who tells it like it is...

I came across a profile with this headline:

"Heartbroken and Looking for Fun & Friendship with Bennifits"

For some reason I read on...and I'm so glad I did:

"I just ended a four-year relationship after catching my now ex cheating on me with one of my good friends; moreover, I can say I am at a very vulnerable point right now, but this will change over time."

Um, baggage much? Of course I know there is some girl who will go out with him, and then complain to all of her friends when he just won't commit.

There are no words...

Meet Julio.
Julio claims to be 32, but looks considerably older. According to his profile, he last read the following "books:"

Adam's Sandler's "First 50 dates" Joseph Campbell's "Hero of a Thousand Faces" Cliff Schecter's "The Real McCain" -- Excellent reading for this year's historic election... Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" LA Times, NY Times... Kamanstra…!!

Let's just clarify something..."50 First Dates," with Adam Sandler, is a movie, not a book. Joseph Campbell wrote "Hero with a Thousand Faces." And I'm pretty sure that the last item that pervy Julio listed here is not "Kamanstra," but the Kama Sutra. You know, just in case one of the fine ladies on match actually agress to sleep with him. He's obviously out to impress us!

He's also an aspiring poet, and boasts that some of his work was published when he was in college! He even graced me, via match message, with an example:

** Under blue skies, we breathe together laughing as our hearts beat as one smiling **

Hey there... Every human is a novel, every human is hero… for your novel reads of eternal beauty and Ill be your hero living in your heart... just wanted to say that. IF/when you feel comfortable, maybe... message: (removed)@live.com; I’m on right now…

“OCEAN WAVES”
III

Ocean waves crash and froth against craggy shores,
Echoing thoughts of your beauty forevermore;
Your hair unfurls simmering in sultry breezes,
Alike waves of kisses melting sand on endless seas.

Gentle night’s breezes softly whisper in my ear,
of wondrous thoughts harboring your beauty near;
Hear crashing waves utter cries upon ivory shores,
alas weeping echoes of sea breezes so near...

It's really too bad that I'm taking my profile down. I really think that he could be the one!

No news is not necessarily good news

At least not in the world of internet dating. I find that sending the "no thanks" messages unnecessarily mean, so if I'm not interested, I usually just don't send a response. Most guys get this, but today, I'm going to tell you about three that just don't get it.

First up, Blandy McBlanderson. He's sent me the same email not once, not twice, but thrice! The first time, I almost responded to him, but by the time I got around to it, his profile was taken down. But now it's back up, and I've gotten the EXACT same email twice in the course of a week (the 20th and 25th).

hey... I came across your profile and thought we might be a good match! take a look at my profile and if you are interested would love to hear from you.

Next up is Aloha. He's sent me three emails (plus a wink) since I signed up for match. I don't have the first email, but here are the two most recent (sent in a 2-week span):
Message #1:

How are you doing? I hope you had a nice weekend. Was wondering if you would like to meet a nice guy with many good qualitites? If I know him I will tell him about you. LOL. Sorry terrible sense of humor. I would like to know more about you if you would like to talk. Please let me know either way. Thanks and good luck. Aloha

Message #2:

How are you? I would like to get to know you better but my membership is expiring. Please email me @(removed)@yahoo. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care. Aloha

Finally, saving the best for last, is The Professor. Let's cross-reference this guy with the Old Fart Files. The Prof is 45 years old (making him 16 years older than me), and lives in Massachusetts, 3000 miles away from me. I've received a wink and two emails. Because if I haven't responded to the wink and first email, that second email is going to totally seal the deal!

Message #1: Subject: Hello! I am interested

I live in Boston. I was in SD last Summer and I love it. I would like to come again during the Winter for a longer period. I am looking for my soul-mate and life partner, and I have the profile which you are looking for.
I like your photo with glasses.
Waiting to hear from you.

I particularly enjoy the unnecessary capitalizations In his Message.

Message #2: Subject: I like the "Big Deal"
(yes, I reference Anchorman in my profile--don't judge!)

I would love to hear from you

I don't know...this makes me think I should be more cut-throat, although I know I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those "no thanks" emails. Although I wanted to send a more bitchy email to The Prof, I just told him that I was looking for someone in my geographic area, and wished him luck. Then I called my mom and told her what I wanted to really say in my message!

It's been a while...

I've been taking a dating hiatus, so I want to apologize for the lack of posts. But while sitting on my couch today, doing lots of nothing, I came across just a gem of a profile...and here it is:

"im recently divorced " 6 months " lonliness setting in hardcore. I really need a companion sum1 2 care 4 and who can care 4 me without trying 2 change me i'm very emo and need a friend at least 6 years is a long time and theres alot to let go of"

I don't even know what most of that means.

Oh, and what would he want to do on a first date?

"nice dinner and a sunset before 1 of my shows " vocalist ""

Huh?

Was that a question?

I should start a new series on this blog...I think I'd call it "Old Guy of the Week."  As I've posted numerous times before, I seem to be a magnet for old farts.  They usually write to me on the weekends, so I always have fresh material for the beginning of the work week.

This one was received on Saturday.  Unfortunately, his freebie period has expired, so I can't post his picture.  I'm calling him the Fresh Prince, since his screen name reminds me of him.  Fresh Prince is 44, and looks like a generic older guy, brownish, thinning hair, and a goatee.  Here's what he had to say (referring to my profile):

Subject: hey tall and lovely,

So you're a clutz?  At 5'10"..... you can afford to be :)

Do you like to dance? cause I would really love to dance with you?

FreshPrince,

Ignoring the retarded punctuation, since we've picked it apart 100 times on here, I have to wonder...would he really love to dance with me?  Or is he just trying to talk himself into it? 

Chesty La Rue and Crotch Boy Translated

Ok, it's been even longer since I've contributed, but PG's latest submissions seemed a little cryptic and were begging for a manslation. So here we go:

Chesty La Rue (I like the sound of that better than "Boobs La Rue" for some reason):

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common

We both have boobs.

and maybe something to share

We can share our bras.

and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?

How do you run with these things without them bouncing around and hurting so much? I haven't been able to figure that out...

,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines

I keep getting busted (no pun intended) in every city I'm in for copping a feel on myself in public.

but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,

But look fast, because my subscription expires tomorrow!! You should also probably be prepared to see more pics of the largest breasts you've ever seen on a man.

take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

I use the word "ciao" in an effort to sound more exotic and/or cultured. I hope it will convince you to have sex with me.

Next we have Crotch Boy:

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.

I'm going to try going the "friends" technique on you. I'm hoping that pretending to want to be your friend will make you want to have sex with me. Because all chicks nail their guy friends, right? Also, despite the plethora of punctuation and grammar mistakes in this message, I've inexplicably used the proper word "affected" instead of "effected" in this sentence. Go figure. And you should punch me in the face right now for using the word "enchantment."

Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.

I'm just reminding you that I'm using the "friends" technique, because that works...right?

Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .

Chicks dig guys who speak foreign languages and want to sleep with them...especially is he's a friend who speaks a foreign language!! Oh, and by "Morocco" I really mean my parents' basement in Chula Vista. This is a terrific arrangement, as my mom brings me all the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets I'll ever need.

So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.

I'm looking for a chick who will put out as quickly as possible. A "morally casual attitude" is also a plus.

i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .

Please have sex with me.

Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Apparently I won't correspond with you unless you have a Hotmail address. Chicks with Gmail accounts need not apply.

Your best friend (removed).

Not only am I your friend...I'm your BEST friend!! The logic here, of course, is that if chicks nail their friends, they must nail their BEST friends even sooner, right?

Boobs La Rue and My New BFF

I feel like it's been a while since I've had some decent material for this blog. I should have known that if I just waited through the weekend, something would pop up, and lucky for all of us, I have two likely candidates today!

First, let me introduce Boobs La Rue. Seriously, this guy's chest is bigger than mine. I'm a little jealous.I not only got a wink, but also an email from Boobs. Here's what he had to say:

Hi, i just looked your profile and get interested ,it looks like we have a lot in common and maybe something to share and why not to take a chance to know more about us ?,by the way ,my name is (removed) and i live in San Diego CA , i travel a lot because my bussines but i like a lot San Diego ,before writing i will let you take a look my profile and get an idea who i am and i hope you decide to write me back to my email (removed)@yahoo.com ,take care and thanks for taking your time to read my message ,ciao!!!!!!

First of all, another candidate for spelling and punctuation lessons? Definitely. Also, giving out your email in the first email? I'm guessing his free couple of days were expiring and wanted me to be able to get in touch with him. Boy, don't I feel lucky to be pursued by a guy too cheap to spring for a subscription?

Next up is my new BFF, aka, guy with a bunch of crotch shots in his profile.

Hello, i actually would like to be a new friend of yours, if you do not mind of course, since i saw you profile, through rambling around, and i was really affected by it. In addition, your pictures were very splendid that i could not resist their enchantment on me.
Honestly, my intention of writing this message is to look for new friends because iam really intersted in them.
Firstly , let me make you aware of myself, my name is (removed) , iam a student at university specialized in french literature , i live in a very beautiful and sunny country with snow , deserts and beaches called Morocco, i still live with my parents who have supported and provided me with all necessities that i need .
So, my primarily purpose of being here is to seek for an open-minded , honest , kind , sociable , intellectuel as well as modest girl who knows something about " real love " , not love that depends only on Sex and materiality.
i hope that you got the meaning of what iam looking for .
Finally, if you feel that you have these characteristics, please send me your adress Msn (Hotmail), iam looking to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Your best friend (removed).

Again, someone who's free time is expiring wants my email address. But, he is my best friend, so I shouldn't have a problem with sharing that information, right? Plus, here's another guy who thinks my pictures are splendid. I'm glad I can still enchant 24-year-old guys from Morocco that live with mom & dad.

Someone please remind me why I'm doing this?

Hmmm...this sounds NOTHING like any of the guys...

we've written about here.

Mistakes to avoid when messaging someone online

(From the same site as Hope's last post...lots of fun content over there!)

So many true things about this article.  I almost posted it in it's entirety and linked to all the cool guys we've highlighted on this blog.  But that would have taken all night, and I have to get up early!

Not an April Fool's joke

I saw this article today and had to research to make sure it was for real:

Google offers drunken email tool

Now if they could only extend this to drunken myspace messages (but not blog posts--those are entertaining!).

This is so painfully true...

Check this out:
The 8 Phases of Dating

This is what we all need

I like to read random blogs, and stumbled upon one called "Confessions of a Pioneer Woman" last month. It's the blog of a former city girl who is now married, with kids, and lives on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. She has some great recipes, which is how I originally found her blog. While navigating around her site, I found the most addicting blog/story ever. It is the story of how she met her husband, and it's AMAZING. Trust me on this. She is a fantastic writer, and I found that I had to constantly remind myself that this is a true story, not some Hollywood-made drama.

Here is the link...start at the bottom of the page and work up.

This story will serve as a reminder that guys like this exist, and perhaps give all of us single gals a glimmer of hope. I also recommend having a glass bottle of wine on hand.

Gifted and Talented

A couple days ago, I got a wink from The Tongue. I've previously mentioned that I'm a big magnet for the 40+ crowd, so I was confused a bit at being winked at by a 22-year-old. Luckily, he's very literate. Take, for example, his headline:

I now how to use my toung!!!!

And beyond that, his "About Me" section:

I just want some one i can get with no strings atached. I wode be nice if the persone i contack is just looking for the same thing that way we whode both now were we both stand. Im just interested in sex sex and more sex i will get you off and you will get me off thats all the maters.

And more:

for fun:

Hi my name is (removed to protect the moronic) im just here looking to meet up with some one for some descrite noty fun...

my job:

Some people tell me i look like colinferal.

How is it a job to look like "colinferal?" And since when is Colin Farrell just one smushed together, poorly spelled word? I think I've found another student ready to enroll in the Hope Singleton School for Guys Who Can't Spell Good and Stuff.

And finally, why pay for a match subscription when you can post this garbage on Craigslist Casual Encounters for free?

The Gallery of the Absurd

I went out of town last weekend, and didn't really log into match until Tuesday afternoon. Needless to say, I had several interesting winks and emails waiting for me. Please keep your hands and feet inside the car as we take a tour through the Gallery of the Absurd...

Stop number 1: "Cheerio from England!"

i am caring, loving, honest, sincere with a good sense of humour. i love helping people in needs especially children and women, i like to make the world a better place if i have the chance. my match should be a very understanding person

Cheerio's favorite hotspots:

the carribean and i like asians especially thier food

I bet he likes their children and women too.

Next stop: Denmark, where we meet Hamlet. Hamlet actually lives in the San Diego area, unlike Cheerio.

Some gems from his intro:

Yes, it would be nice if you loved 'dogs'; With that said, I shall continue... I am very athletic and usually full of energy. I enjoy being with a woman that does not feel the need to hold back...I'll open every door for you and always help you with your bra.

I'm not really sure what he means by 'dogs.' Hmmm.... And this from a brief email he sent me (after I didn't wink back):

I'm getting better at holding my Wii after breaking a vase.

Wow, do we need to start talking about your "wii" already?

And, our last stop is rather lengthy. I defintely smell a form email from Dexter. I'm pretty sure judging by his pictures that he is a serial killer. Although you can't see it here, he has crazy eyes. Anyway, Dexter thinks he is pretty awesome. Behold!

Pay no attention to that subject line, it means nothing. I just wanted to get your attention. Something about your profile intrigued me, and I want to give this a try. I have noticed that some women seem to approach this, meeting people over the internet, with a particular focus. Some would say that they have a certain picture of what they want, and they're out to disqualify as many men as possible, so that they can separate that jewel from the glass which clutters everything up.

To each his own. Everyone has standards, and it is easy to test each new person against those standards. Maybe when you go out with a man, after you get back you say to yourself, "He seems to have a lot of this, but not enough of that" or "I like this and this about him, but there's this one thing that bothers me." And while it is quite natural to evaluate someone like that, I find that I never do it. At least not with someone I really like. I have often found that you don't really know that you wanted something, or even that you were looking for something, until after you've found it. Almost as if you stumble onto it by accident. And when that's what's happening, that's when you can
set aside all those old standards that really only apply to those
people in your past, and instead, you can listen to the voice of
curiosity, as it tells you that this person has something to offer.
Now, with me, that is the kind of excitement I look for in a
relationship, and when that excitement is there, that is when I feel
compelled to grab for it, before it slips away.

Well, I did not mean to make this so long and rambling. Have I
piqued your interest? Good! I look forward to your response. Of
course, you don't have to email me right away. You might want to take a few moments to read this over before you email me. Then you can look back on it and enjoy the satisfaction you feel as you look forward to receiving my reply.

I'll just let that last message speak for itself.

Too short to date?

As you all know, Hope and Padresgirl have pretty strict requirements for dating men. One of those requirements is height.

Now, I would like to share with you all that I am 5'2". So, I guess I can count myself as extremely lucky. There are almost no guys out there shorter than me, unless they are a "little person". And I tell Hope all of the time, "You should at least give the guy a chance, especially because he doesn't lie about his height". And as you all know, Match is a place to weed out liars. And the grammatically-challenged, but that is another story.

Apparently, I should be writing articles for MSN and calling myself Dr. Jaimi.

Really? Was this necessary?

Look at this guy:He's cute, right? And has a nice body, right? However, his picture is sort of acting like a woman repellent, at least for me. When I see this picture, I don't first see that he's cute or that he has a nice body, I see that he's a tool...a tool who really likes himself. A tool I would never date. Would you?

Vote for Pedro!

Pedro looks like someone out of Napoleon Dynamite....and this is his "Glamor Shots by Deb" picture. Sometimes words just aren't necessary.

"She's a man, baby" or Pat II

There is no way this is a man. Absolutely not. This is a woman who is in the process of becoming a man. Totally.

Here are few clues:

"if your looking for a big hunk of man meat then hear i am baby!!!!! "

"last read:
street trucks, and to be honest a playboy.. "

"i also like trying new things im very open minded"

Also stated is "she" is 6'1". Does this picture look like a 6'1" picture? I am guessing 5'4". And "she" needs an open-minded girl, so that she won't freak out when that the big hunk of man meat is a strap-on.

Week 6 Results

In a not-so-amazing upset, Frak Me demolished Rico Suave. This was our best voter turn-out to date, so thank everyone for participating!

Smells like stinky cheese

I seem to be a magnet for the over-40 set on Match. The latest in this string of 40-somethings is Brie. He's so cheesy, he's kinda gooey (and a little moldy on the outside).

Simply put...I am still looking for that rare pearl...called Juliette la romantic…to help makes a life journey...feel like a blink of an eye...as we both navigate a deep ocean of romance...on board of our sail boat called Destiny...!
Voila!

To prove that he's "euro," take a peek at his feet in the above picture. Yes, he's wearing loafer with no socks. So his feet probably do smell like stinky cheese!

And once again, just like this guy, I have to ask the question...who actually falls for this crap? Just be real, and women will want to talk to you. OK, not a lot of 29-year-old women, but still...

Frak Me

Meet Frak. Any Battlestar Galactica fans out there? He's looking for you. A 26 yr old native who has never lived more than 30 miles from his parents, Frak screams mating material. Here are a few of his clever quips:

"I'm looking for something immediate. Not necessarily short term, but I'm not looking to the future. "

"my job:
I hate my job and don't like talking about it."

"Sports and exercise: Baseball, Billiards / Pool, Bowling

Exercise habits: Never

Daily diet: Fast food"

Doesn't he seem so healthy? Emotionally and physically - Frak is just rock hard!

Rico Suave

My entry for week 6 is Rico Suave. Here is his picture:Now, if I can pull you away of staring at those curly locks, this is what he emailed me:

"Want to grab a tea and run your fingers through my hair?"

Huh? Surely, this must be a joke, right? So I emailed him back and asked him just that. His response? Nope, not a joke.

By the way, I hate hair. Mine's okay, but I don't enjoy touching other people's hair. As in after I go to a hair salon I feel the need to shower. Maybe I need to put that in my profile.

Results

Well, Mr. Average is the winner from last week...it was a tough competition. Thanks for voting!

I can has LOL Match?

Anyone out there familiar with the lolcats of "I can has cheezeburger?" Well, I think I got a LolMatch the other day. I'm pretty excited, because not only do I get annoyed with lots of abbreviations in text messages (see here and here), but this guy can't even write out a 3-letter word in an email! How kewl is that?! Quoth LolMatch:

hey lady uu look wonderfull i would like to see uu ...

Before we move onto some of the beauty that is his profile, I present his picture (and I apologize in advance for my "Paint" skillz, but I couldn't resist):

I am from Anywhere it does nt matter if you like me and have studied Economy in Turkey. I have been in San Diego a year and studying MBA weeow . I like hang out with my friends, go to beache, surf , nightclubs and playing all kind of sports especially soccer i played 4yr in Uni. And also I like to travel, taking photographs like hobby for me , dancing i am telling before i am good about it :) and going to cinema. I am funny and social i mean open to public :) . I like to smile i mean sometimes who is funnier than me yauw :) and want my parter to smile ,sexy , beauty, chili bla bla bla.Therefore i can except myself like a housebroken i mean i like to spent my time at home actually there is a many reason to being like that i am a good cooker i love my kitchen and i am always creating new things at the kitchen :) , and i am blockbuster fanatic and rent and watch at my home with popcorn :) Plus as i mention that i like the sport and i always running 3 times in a week i lke exercise and i always keep fit my body it, s really imp. than i realy like the hangout with my friends to anywhere i can, t say i am a very selective people about the nightclub but i, ve same place the special for me. Finally What i am looking for briefly i want a trustable , honest and real woman thats all thanks for interesting my intro i hope to see uu asap baii :)

Don't get me wrong...I'm not busting his chops because of the obvious "English as a Second Language" issue. My issue is with the "words" like "weeow," "yauw," and "uu." At least he's housebroken!

This explains soooo much

Why guys go for outta-their-league ladies:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26631462/?GT1=43001

A woman in a man's body

For the first time (I think), I have an addition from the eharmony site instead of match. The difference between eharmony and match is that you don't get to pick your matches, they match you. I always complain that I never get matched with anyone who lives near me, so you can imagine my excitement when I finally did. Then I looked at his picture and read the profile:
Why, WHY do guys think that girls will like shirtless pictures in front of a truck? Yes, you're muscly, but you are way too muscly for my tastes. Anyway, here is an excerpt from his profile:

"what a softy I am a woman in a mans body,a die hard romantic and very touchy feely"

Just to give the guy a chance, I decided to send him the first round of questions. Here is the question and his response:

"Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?

im living my dream job so wherever life takes me off course i work for more but not to beat the jones"

I'll take "Double Entendres" for $1000, Alex

OK, even though I'm taking the week off from dating, I still feel compelled to see what is going on in the Match.com world. After a long day of sitting through a conference, I felt the need for some entertainment. That lead me to look at the "Who's Viewed Me" section of my profile. Boy, oh boy, did I ever have a treat waiting for me! I'd like to introduce Grandpa. Grandpa is 19 years my senior, but looks about 29 years older. His relationship status is "Currently Separated," and he has kids that "sometimes live at home." Wish I could post a picture, but I can't do it from my laptop. Update: The Man (that's who I work for) wouldn't spring for a hotel room tonight, so I am able to post you a picture of Grandpa! Anyway, Grandpa has viewed my profile several times. His profile includes some of the following gems:

"Sparkling, sexy, energetic and imaginative!"

"The Grand Tetons in Wyoming is one of the most beautiful places on earth..."

So, to sum up, Grandpa like girls with "Grand Tetons" (which begs the question...why's he looking at me???), and he likes to get freaky in the bedroom. Why, God, has this man not emailed me???

Double the fun

Just so you all can have some additional eye candy on this Monday morning, I'm including not only Mr. Average, but his apparent friend. Mr. Average is the one on the right.

Here are some beautiful words from his profile:

"Wow.Im hoping to meet someone decent on this site.I think im average. I do look better in person, and about 10 yrs younger than i am.Good for me, thank mom for her genes.lol I look like a cross between woody on cheers and me.lol.At least that's what im told.. Im more muscular build I could go on &on here about me, but i think it's getting boring.sooooo.There."

I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone describe themselves as generally average. Way to shoot for the stars! And I don't know if I would call someone with a beer belly and man boobs muscular, but that may just be me. Oh, and his age is 38. There is no way he looks 28...perhaps 48.

Can't....Do....Plaid....

Please meet Plaid.

Hideous sweater + hideous couch = Eyesore

Eyesore = No date

Notice the date on the pic? This pic was taken THIS YEAR. Not back in the 80's or 90's. 2008.

Here are a few gems.

"my ethnicity:
I'm not the smallest guy in the park. but I'm in pretty good shape."

When did ethnicity change to mean body shape? And, dude, you are 5'7". There are not many guys shorter than you.

And I love this line:

"Some day my God will bring me His perfect woman."

His woman? Oh, so you want God's woman now, huh?

Week 4 Results

Looks like Fannyman beat out No Service, 5-3.

I would like to point out, there was some disagreement on whether that was a gold fanny pack or a championship belt. Oh well, both are pretty cheesy.

Attack of the ellipsis

I got a lot of emails over the weekend from what my brother would call "older gentlemen." In my case, this is any guy 10 years or more my senior. I'm going to share my favorite one with you, because it is a work of art. And by art, I mean poorly capitalized, poorly punctuated crap. The sender is 20 years older than me and lives about 200 miles away. He's divorced with two kids (a big deal-breaker for me). He also claims to be searching for women in the 38-44 year range, yet he blessed me with the following message.

Hi !.....
WOW!....you are a very stunning person.
i read your profile first , knowing what your initial pic reflected, i wanted to read and see who is really behind the projection....
yes , it is true that "you only get one chance to make the first impression".
i like that fact that you are a very well rounded peson and just not the beautiful woman that is in the picture..
your thoughts ,desires and hidden ambitions struck me as genuine and very energetic.
thats important, and it's very exciting that you shared "WHAT YOU REALLY LIKE", from your heart and not just the "GIRLY" emotions,wants and needs. ( which are very important as well..)
if i may say, i'm also looking to meet a person just like you...not afraid to express their true self and desires of the person they're seeking.
now i will agree with what i read and what i see...
you are an increadiablly beautiful and very driven woman....
you have the beauty that you only glimpse in a blooming flower.....
"It's Better To Have Tried And Failed,
Than to have never Tried At All".......( S W C )
I know your a very pretty and gorgeous woman!
if you'd like we could share your ambitions, desires and dreams.....
fun it will be and exhausting it can be.....
"we can sit down dying or get up and start living"........
i know i can make you smile...or at least my two dogs will have your heart by days end.....lol
my name is (removed to protect the guilty) and i would love to meet up with you,and just enjoy a nice evening,day whatever ...of conversation and see if we can prolong an initial introductory.....
p.s. yes....you made my knees shake a bit....lol

I wonder if this works on the ladies in his age group? It kind of made me throw up in my mouth a little bit, but maybe that's just me.

My Own Personal Creepy Geezer

I was the recipient of a wink yesterday. And, boy, was I happy to see this fella! (Insert unsmiley face here)He intro's himself with this catchy little phrase: "Lonely and waiting darlins"

Here are a few of profile statements:

"Well, to start with, I'm a retired truck driver."
"I'm 6'3", 245 lbs, brn hair, hazel eyes, love to just take it easy now that I'm off the road."
"I love younger women"
"Is faithful, no cheating, hgt, wgt proportionate, dark hair, is unshaven, I love hair."

And everything I am is a turn-off to him:

"Turn-offs:
Body piercings,
Boldness / Assertiveness,
Brainiacs,
Sarcasm,
Tattoos,
Thrills"

Did I mention he was 68 years old?

No Shirt, No Shoes

I would like to introduce you to No Service.

Now, I would like to stress this is not the main picture on his page. And the other pictures make him look like fun! So, why in hell did he add this one!?!

He also has issues with punctuation, capitalization, but at least he can spell...

"Im the guy who takes everything in stride one day at a time i am very easy to get along with and easy to do anything i do have my opinions but who hasnt i love cuddling and watching movies and i am a very romantic person if you have any questions just ask"

I have a question, No Service. Exactly how big is your ego? Cause we can see how big everything else is.

FannyMan

My entry for this week is FannyMan. Wow, odd name, right? You'll understand as soon as you see this:
Yes, that is a fanny pack. Has anyone worn those since 1992? Really?

FannyMan has a very user friendly profile- you can almost call it "Responding to Profiles for Dummies." He lists his attributes and then tells the reader whether or not they should contact him based on what they want. I, for one, am very thankful for this, since I often read a profile that I really like then find myself not knowing the next step: "Hmm, this guy is perfect. Now do I respond or ignore it? It's all so confusing."

"I am a 39 year old native to the area. I just completed my first year as a teacher. So i am ready to have some fun this summer. So if you enjoy lively discussions and quick humor then please proceed. I have been described as both serious and irreverent. I enjoy fine dining or the rib cook off. I enjoy being near water, river, lake, ocean, even fountains. i enjoy walks under the stars, cuddling by the fire or dining by candlelight. If these are a few of your favorite things call me. Are you smart? Attractive? Do you have a sence of humor? Good then call me. Do you like jerks who are contolling and mean and wont treat you like you deserve? If so don't call me. Do you want to have a good time? Looking for some romance? If so then reply."

Week 3 Results

In a shocking upset, Torchman beat Pat 6-2. Congrats, blogger Jaimi, on your victory! Week 4 entries will be posted soon.

Red Pill or Blue Pill

Ladies, meet Neo. Neo is a 25-year-old jiu-jitsu practitioner and Matrix wannabe. He says he lives with roommates. Pretty sure that means "mom and dad." Under education, he writes:

I already got my Associates. Now i have my sights set on my Bachelors. *sigh* here we go...

*Sigh* school is hard, yo.

But the fun doesn't end there. On Saturday night, I got an email from him! Be still my heart! The subject line? "Hey cutie"

wow you have a cool profile! in one picture im not sure whats going on with your face, like a reverse water fountain that pours up??? and then in the other it appears that you are getting on a wooden segway like damn i didnt know segways have been around since the wild wild west days. well i think you are a total cutie and i would love to get to know you better. wanna go out somtime? i right next to balboa park..

This guy really knows something about the ladies. I mean, what girl out there doesn't like to hear "im not sure whats going on with your face..."? Am I right? And for the record, this is the picture he's referring to:
Bonus points to any reader who can tell me the what and where of this picture! :-)

Bitter, party of one

I got an email a couple days ago from Bitter Barry. He was commenting on one of my pictures. As in, the whole body of his message was "What is up with that third picture? Anyway." I looked up his profile, and here's what he has to say about himself and Match.com:

"My honest, unadulterated opinion after my many, many, many match experiences, is not for the faint of heart. Three categories: 1. You are crazy, and not just saying "your crazy," I mean there is some TRUE mental defect that makes you undesireable, and therefore single. It may be as apparent as a profile statement regarding your "dog's leaky butt," saying your favorite thing is "seeing rain on asphalt" in your profile, or going through an absurd checklist where one has no right to be picky because they have more facial hair than a lumberjack from the Yukon. Or it may be less subtle like someone mooning me at a public restaraunt, or another insisting that we look at 40, 000 dollar engagement rings on the second date. The second category is not so forgiving. Let's face it, you just got whipped with the ugly stick. It's a cruel world we live in, and thank God I'm still really cute, but I will no longer waste my time when 9 out of every 10 women are below my (actually not even that high) physical standards. Third category is that you have the personality and charisma of dry toast. In any case, I'd rather go to a women's prison to meet someone than this. Not that I'm perfect, but I am cute, athletic, successful, and a gentleman, and the fact that I'm not even close to meeting someone decent, speaks volumes about what's on here. Just being 100% honest."

While he's commenting on one of my 3 pictures, he has 5 pictures on his profile. His main picture is taken by a camera phone and is very fuzzy. Two others are dark, so you can barely see him. The other two? His fluffy, girly-looking dog. And my honest opinion, from what I can see of Barry? Well, he's not as cute as he thinks he is.

Mr. Sexy-time

So, I am skimming through profiles, and a title kind of grabbed my attention. It was a, "Did that say what I think it said?" I am refraining from using the actual user name, but it had Sex in the title. So, I click on the picture-less profile and here is what I see.

"Have Fun With Me

About me:

women who love to expirament with new things. I love to please women and take them to new and exciting heights. Warm evenings looking at the stars as we caress each other is a nice place to start. From there who knows."

To start? Really? Who starts there? In his initial meet and greet, does he just show his goods? Presents it like a pervy handshake?

One more question. If this is how it starts, how in the heck does it end?

Next week, on Hee-Haw

Sometimes it is necessary to post commentary regarding someone's profile; sometimes it is not. I think this case falls into the latter category:

for fun:

I like going to farm shows, auctions, and livestock auctions

Short and to the point- no commentary needed.

To the extreme, I rock the mic like a vandal

For my innaugural post to this blog, I present Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby has no friends. That's why he had to take a picture of himself with his Razr in front of the mirror. Ice is 38 years old, and yet, he composes emails like a 15 year old. Behold:

Your profile must be the epicenter of attention I must mention, 'cause I've been on it so long I feel like I'm in detention.

Yeah, baby, you deserve to be in detention...it just has nothing to do with my profile.

Prius Boy Translated

Hope had asked me to translate Prius Boy's e-mail on Friday, but I got held up. So here's the Man-translation of what he actually said:

"I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius Hybrid with no payments which is great for taking road trips. I mention my car because I want people to know I'm part of the solution not the problem not because I'm materialistic. I'm not I could love a woman that homeless if there's a physical and mental attraction. I don't smoke or drink. Also, unlike most I proudly have never tried weed."

I'm not materialistic, but I feel compelled to define myself by the car I drive. I'm also surrounded by a cloud of smug everywhere I go and enjoy the scent of my own farts (this is a South Park reference, and this guy fits perfectly into that episode...seriously, you should look it up).

And on a side note, Priuses (?) are not good for road trips. A buddy of mine recently carpooled with a Prius-driving friend of his from LA to Vegas and said it was the worst trip ever. They had trouble getting up hills and by the end of the trip he felt like he needed to kick his own ass for agreeing to ride in that thing.

"I'm open minded, easy going, and love animals and children. Although, I don't have any children I do have a little female tan toy Chihuahua 7-year old her name is Sweet-Pea, she's 5 lbs."

I'm open-minded as long as you drive a hybrid and have a self-righteous attitude about the environment and everything in general. And I'm gay, because no straight man would have a 7-year old Chihuahua named Sweet-Pea, much less know (or care) how much the dog weighs. I'm looking for a girfriend to project the appearance of a straight man.

"for fun: rollerblading at a rink, occasionally work out at 24 Hour Fitness, basketball, swimming, BBQ's, watching TV/DVDs and cuddling. road trips to Disneyland, Knott's Halloween Haunt, and Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights"

I put rollerblading in a rink first because I'm stuck in the '70s and '80s. I'm also the only man on earth who enjoys cuddling as a hobby. I go to Halloween-themed amusement parks to pick up on little boys, I mean chicks!! I totally meant to say chicks...

Seriously, who puts "cuddling" under "fun things to do"??

The Human Torch

My entry this week is the Human Torch and he is very passionate. As you can see:

"for fun:
I love the passion that burns like fire, dancing within my eyes to explode in balls of fire. Like the stars that fill the sky, an endless sea to explore with desire. Like a fire that burns within. Only to find what maybe on the other side!"

"I am some what shy, up to a point. Then I just open up like a ball a fire in your hands, melting you."

I am wondering, when he gets ready to ignite his passion, does he yell, "Flame on!"