Bitter, party of one

I got an email a couple days ago from Bitter Barry. He was commenting on one of my pictures. As in, the whole body of his message was "What is up with that third picture? Anyway." I looked up his profile, and here's what he has to say about himself and Match.com:

"My honest, unadulterated opinion after my many, many, many match experiences, is not for the faint of heart. Three categories: 1. You are crazy, and not just saying "your crazy," I mean there is some TRUE mental defect that makes you undesireable, and therefore single. It may be as apparent as a profile statement regarding your "dog's leaky butt," saying your favorite thing is "seeing rain on asphalt" in your profile, or going through an absurd checklist where one has no right to be picky because they have more facial hair than a lumberjack from the Yukon. Or it may be less subtle like someone mooning me at a public restaraunt, or another insisting that we look at 40, 000 dollar engagement rings on the second date. The second category is not so forgiving. Let's face it, you just got whipped with the ugly stick. It's a cruel world we live in, and thank God I'm still really cute, but I will no longer waste my time when 9 out of every 10 women are below my (actually not even that high) physical standards. Third category is that you have the personality and charisma of dry toast. In any case, I'd rather go to a women's prison to meet someone than this. Not that I'm perfect, but I am cute, athletic, successful, and a gentleman, and the fact that I'm not even close to meeting someone decent, speaks volumes about what's on here. Just being 100% honest."

While he's commenting on one of my 3 pictures, he has 5 pictures on his profile. His main picture is taken by a camera phone and is very fuzzy. Two others are dark, so you can barely see him. The other two? His fluffy, girly-looking dog. And my honest opinion, from what I can see of Barry? Well, he's not as cute as he thinks he is.

Mr. Sexy-time

So, I am skimming through profiles, and a title kind of grabbed my attention. It was a, "Did that say what I think it said?" I am refraining from using the actual user name, but it had Sex in the title. So, I click on the picture-less profile and here is what I see.

"Have Fun With Me

About me:

women who love to expirament with new things. I love to please women and take them to new and exciting heights. Warm evenings looking at the stars as we caress each other is a nice place to start. From there who knows."

To start? Really? Who starts there? In his initial meet and greet, does he just show his goods? Presents it like a pervy handshake?

One more question. If this is how it starts, how in the heck does it end?

Next week, on Hee-Haw

Sometimes it is necessary to post commentary regarding someone's profile; sometimes it is not. I think this case falls into the latter category:

for fun:

I like going to farm shows, auctions, and livestock auctions

Short and to the point- no commentary needed.

To the extreme, I rock the mic like a vandal

For my innaugural post to this blog, I present Vanilla Ice. Ice, Ice, Baby has no friends. That's why he had to take a picture of himself with his Razr in front of the mirror. Ice is 38 years old, and yet, he composes emails like a 15 year old. Behold:

Your profile must be the epicenter of attention I must mention, 'cause I've been on it so long I feel like I'm in detention.

Yeah, baby, you deserve to be in detention...it just has nothing to do with my profile.

Prius Boy Translated

Hope had asked me to translate Prius Boy's e-mail on Friday, but I got held up. So here's the Man-translation of what he actually said:

"I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius Hybrid with no payments which is great for taking road trips. I mention my car because I want people to know I'm part of the solution not the problem not because I'm materialistic. I'm not I could love a woman that homeless if there's a physical and mental attraction. I don't smoke or drink. Also, unlike most I proudly have never tried weed."

I'm not materialistic, but I feel compelled to define myself by the car I drive. I'm also surrounded by a cloud of smug everywhere I go and enjoy the scent of my own farts (this is a South Park reference, and this guy fits perfectly into that episode...seriously, you should look it up).

And on a side note, Priuses (?) are not good for road trips. A buddy of mine recently carpooled with a Prius-driving friend of his from LA to Vegas and said it was the worst trip ever. They had trouble getting up hills and by the end of the trip he felt like he needed to kick his own ass for agreeing to ride in that thing.

"I'm open minded, easy going, and love animals and children. Although, I don't have any children I do have a little female tan toy Chihuahua 7-year old her name is Sweet-Pea, she's 5 lbs."

I'm open-minded as long as you drive a hybrid and have a self-righteous attitude about the environment and everything in general. And I'm gay, because no straight man would have a 7-year old Chihuahua named Sweet-Pea, much less know (or care) how much the dog weighs. I'm looking for a girfriend to project the appearance of a straight man.

"for fun: rollerblading at a rink, occasionally work out at 24 Hour Fitness, basketball, swimming, BBQ's, watching TV/DVDs and cuddling. road trips to Disneyland, Knott's Halloween Haunt, and Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights"

I put rollerblading in a rink first because I'm stuck in the '70s and '80s. I'm also the only man on earth who enjoys cuddling as a hobby. I go to Halloween-themed amusement parks to pick up on little boys, I mean chicks!! I totally meant to say chicks...

Seriously, who puts "cuddling" under "fun things to do"??

The Human Torch

My entry this week is the Human Torch and he is very passionate. As you can see:

"for fun:
I love the passion that burns like fire, dancing within my eyes to explode in balls of fire. Like the stars that fill the sky, an endless sea to explore with desire. Like a fire that burns within. Only to find what maybe on the other side!"

"I am some what shy, up to a point. Then I just open up like a ball a fire in your hands, melting you."

I am wondering, when he gets ready to ignite his passion, does he yell, "Flame on!"

Monday Fun!

Well, my a very slim margin, Fluteman is the winner of last week's poll. And now, on to this week.

I don't think much explanation is necessary on my entry this week. I think Pat is an appropriate name:

Once again, punctuation is your friend

About twice a week I get an email from match with my matches for the week. Never has anyone on there been remotely interesting. Today, there was a picture of a guy who looked somewhat normal...and then I looked at his profile:

"I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius Hybrid with no payments which is great for taking road trips. I mention my car because I want people to know I'm part of the solution not the problem not because I'm materialistic. I'm not I could love a woman that homeless if there's a physical and mental attraction. I don't smoke or drink. Also, unlike most I proudly have never tried weed."

If you're looking for someone who wants to date you for your Prius maybe you should move to the People's Republic of Berkeley. We don't care up here.

"I'm open minded, easy going, and love animals and children. Although, I don't have any children I do have a little female tan toy Chihuahua 7-year old her name is Sweet-Pea, she's 5 lbs."

Wait, a man named his dog Sweet-Pea? And not just any dog, a chihuahua? Am I on the gay match site?

"for fun: rollerblading at a rink, occasionally work out at 24 Hour Fitness, basketball, swimming, BBQ's, watching TV/DVDs and cuddling. road trips to Disneyland, Knott's Halloween Haunt, and Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights"

Obviously, by cuddling, I mean with my dog. And I'm really 8 years old, but I'm hoping that next year I'll be able to go on the big kid rides.

Umm, no, I don't actually...

Yesterday I got a wink notification from someone on match. I open the email and there's no picture (by the way, why would anyone have a dating profile without a picture?). So I'm forced to look at his page. This is the only text:

"Im Funny And Look Alot Youngerthan Iam.Just Want A Girl To Hang Out With And Have A Few Laughs With.I Like To Play Poker And Watch Movies And Smoke Pot U Know U Do Too"

Tempting, but, no.

Mr. Nice Try

One of the biggest mistakes a guy can make in a dating profile is to try to pass himself off as a Nice Guy. It just doesn't work. Hope is right...you just come across as being a sissy. Truthfully, the guy would be better off just saying what he really means:

"Ever watched a thunderstorm at night in the high desert? Do you want to? "

I want to drive you out to the middle of nowhere so you can't escape.

"I think of myself as a little old fashioned because I still believe in chivalry and manners. I would like to be your knight in shining armor. "

I've watched too many chick flicks with my mother and my sister, so I think this is really what chicks are looking for. I actually think that if I show up unexpectedly at a girl's house and give her a heartfelt speech about love, I think she will have sex with me (and not call the cops).

Oh, and by "old fashioned" I really just mean that I expect dinner to be on the table when I get home every night.

"I want someone who is devoted and most important of all she has to be honest. Honesty is the number one item on my list. Without honesty, you have nothing."

My last girlfriend cheated on me.

"Please do not let the distance discourage you from contacting me. I am in a job and position that I could relocate if that was needed to have the girl of my dreams."

I'm desperate. I'm a cashier at the local K-mart, and I've worked there for the past 23 years, so it would be easy for me to transfer to the K-mart nearest you.

Mr. Heart on His Sleeve

The women I know and associate with tend to find strong, independant men attractive. Unfortunately, being a nice guy doesn't always come across this way. Here is an article I believe sheds light on the subject.

Maybe I should send it to this guy. Here are some of his comments that come across a bit too... nice:

"Ever watched a thunderstorm at night in the high desert? Do you want to? "

"I think of myself as a little old fashioned because I still believe in chivalry and manners. I would like to be your knight in shining armor. "

"I want someone who is devoted and most important of all she has to be honest. Honesty is the number one item on my list. Without honesty, you have nothing."

"Please do not let the distance discourage you from contacting me. I am in a job and position that I could relocate if that was needed to have the girl of my dreams."

I need to state this man lives about 250 to 300 miles away from me. How is the heck are we even to get to know each other well enough for him to relocate?

I felt kinda bad writing this because he seems like such a nice guy.

Oh, wait...

Sixth Sense

Now, we have all seen the punctuation and spelling errors Hope and I have received. But what if you misuse a word? Here are some sentences from a sweet boy who uses spell check, but doesn't proof read:


"First let me say I am excited to be righting you."

"I have gone to the Farmers Market twice this year. Not a big fan of it, but would love to go this week sense they are really not doing the market thing but, instead, doing the Hot Classic Car Cruise."

"But, unfortunately, I will not be going sense I have to move my roommate out of the house."

"Were do you like to visit?"

"So, I see you like to run, that is cool, so do I, actually some times to much."

And lastly, I love this question.

"Do you do anything during the winter?"

I know he means recreationally, but my knee jerk response is, "Nope. Nothing at all. I hybernate."

pee ess - I almost put Hope and me just to irk her.

You shouldn't have...no, really...

Occasionally, I receive emails from guys on match who state they signed up just to email me. This is somewhat flattering, seeing how it's something like $34.99 a month. A few days ago I received such an email. It started off like this:

“Your the first girl I've emailed so be gentle. I thought I was going to try this website for free and got sucked into a subscription.”

Aww, how thoughtful. The email goes on to tell me all this stuff about him, and then says this:

" I totally agree with you on movies being bad for a first date its like 2 hours of awkwardness."

Wait a minute...I mentioned that in my profile? Let me check...nope. The word "movie" doesn't even appear. Had he not added that little tidbit, I would have bought that he actually paid the subscription to email me. Instead, I emailed this back to him:

"Thank you for the nice email. However, I think you must have me confused with someone else, since I never mentioned movie dates in my profile."

Rifles and handguns and Harleys, oh my!

I'm going to call this guy Santa....I mean he's got a belly and a beard, all he needs is a bag of gifts...oh, wait, he is already a gift to women everywhere.

Some quotes:

"There is very little that I'm not willing to try at least twice. the second time just to be sure I liked it or not."
-I bet I could find many things he would only try once. Colonoscopy, anyone?

"I detest liars, cheats and thieves."
-Wow, you're so unique. I thought most people liked that sort of thing.

"A sense of adventure, and humor would be nice because couch potatoes aren't my style."
-Uh, is the Buddha belly just a strap on? Or did you get that from not laying on your couch?

"You must like kids because my son is a gas."
-Is that term really the best thing you could come up with? I guess it's better to be a gas than to have gas.

"Financial stability (a job or wealth)is also a necessity because free rides are no longer available."
-Wait, you mean I have to pay for a ride? In that case I think I'll go on the Gravitron.

This One Time... At Band Camp

Nothing says perfect mate like flute playing. And then you add in these gems:

"If anyone is familiar with Myers-Briggs/Keirsey Personality Types, I am an INTJ. It is reported that only 1% of people have this personality. I have studied these results extensively and agree with nearly every assertion made by the INTJ/Mastermind Rational profiles. If you want to get a very good picture of me, I suggest searching for INTJ/Mastermind Rational in a web search."

"I am a questioner and a reasoner. I am thankful for my ratiocinating quality, even if it puts me at odds with most of the world."

"Favorite Things:

Color = Black, Food = Rib Eye Steak, when it's raining I prefer to be dancing in it! Shopping? Favorite Books = Text and Educational Books, TV = Star Trek, Lost, Universe, Music = Almost Everything (and I do mean everything!)"

I only have one question. Is "ratiocinating" a real word? Activate Google Powers!

Oh. Wow. It is.

Week 1 winner

The winner of our week 1 contest is Ninja Warrior! This means that blogger Jaimi will be buying me a 79 cent 44oz Diet Coke from AM/PM this afternoon.

This week the contest is a little different. Rather than being a "best of the worst" contest, we are going to change it to the "worst of the worst." In other words, you are voting for the guy you'd least like to have a date with. Happy voting!

You might be looking for a while, babe...

I frequently find myself perusing the Missed Connections section of the local Craigs List site (I haven't really gotten into Casual Encounters yet...not as hardcore and adventurous as Jaimi yet), and today I stumbled across a post that seems to fit into the general theme of this blog:

absoilutely rediculous

why do guys feel so intimidated by woman who speak their mind and stand strong on their own two feet who are smart and beautiful? why more like WHERE ARE ALL THE GUYS WHO ARE NOT F****** IDIOTS in this town. its lame

I've tried to think of a response, but words escape me. Maybe it's because I'm too intimidated by her stunning beauty, intelligence, and flawless use of the comma. Oh wait...

Playing All of the Fields - Simultaneously

I am not sure about all of you, but when I am home and it is late and I am bored, I will scan through the Casual Encounters on craigslist. The comedic aspect alone is totally worth it. And then throw in potential nudity? How is that not top-notch entertainment?

This last Sunday night was such a night. And I am perusing the aforementioned personal ads, when I run across this:

"Pokher Knights/Dilligas tomorrow 08/01 - m4w - 30

Looking for someone to go to one of the above listed clubs tomorrow night, not necessarily looking for a hook-up just someone to go with, if we happen to hit it off and decide to participate in some of the clubs activities thats fine...although if we don't "gel" in that sense thats cool also.

Mostly I'm looking for someone to go with because I would rather not go by myself, it seems a little strange to me to show up that way. About me: 5'10"/blonde hair/blue eyes/170lbs in decent shape, no drugs and no diseases. I'm very laid back and don't believe in pressuring people to do things that are not comfortable with. I will pay the cover as well as buy a few drinks...not because I want in your pants but because I am a gentleman.

Write me if this sounds like a fun way to spend your Friday night. I'm attaching my picture here so please send yours as well, although it doesn't really matter since I am not looking for a hook-up just some simple adventurous company. "


Let's clear up a few confusions - these "clubs"? Are sex clubs! Where you go and watch and/or participate in sexual activities.

Now re-read the ad.

Wow.

But wait! There's more!

This fella is also a guy on Match! That's right people, he used the exact same pictures for this ad as he has on his Match profile. Which I have to say isn't bad, but he comes across as a bit bitter. For example:

"I’m not short mind you; I’m 5' 10 two inches away from your arbitrary height cut off…If online dating was like Disney World I’d be too short to ride on the rollercoaster of love.

Well that’s fine with me because while you are trying to defy gravity on the roller coaster ride, only to get off feel nauseous and talk to your girlfriends about what happened and why he didn’t call you and analyze why and if he likes you and blah blah blah… You COULD have been out with me drinking Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, not being too into yoga, admiring my half a brain….etc. "

Now, he didn't state in his profile that he likes sex clubs. Hmmmm...

I wonder why.

Cheat on you? Never.

In an effort to have more material for this blog, I signed up for matchmaker.com. This morning I received a message from someone, but couldn't access it since I'm not a paid member. But I was able to look at the guy's profile. He is 60 and looks sort of like Hulk Hogan, but dirtier and more biker-ish. My favorite part about his profile is that he is looking for a girl 21-48, who weighs 121lbs to 146lbs, while 5'2" to 5'11". That's a 20 pound weight range and a 9 inch height range...hmm...And what's the deal with wanting girl that is anywhere between 39 and 12 years younger than he is? Does he think he's Hugh Hefner?

Here are some little gems from his profile:

"I was raised the old fashion way,to treat a lady as a lady with love an respect an never cheat on your partner.I like fishing,hunting,camping,bowling,

going to movies,quiet dinners,walking on the beach,taking long walks holding hands with my partner.Im looking for a lady who is not going to cheat on me and NO DRUGGIES,NO HEAD GAMES(Aint got no time for it).Staying at home with my partner cuddling an watching a good movie,then going to sleep wrapped in eachothers arms an waking up an kiss her good morning an saying I Love You."

I think it's pretty sad that he had to specifically write that he's looking for someone who won't cheat on him. Is some girl going to read this and think "oh, that's what I was planning on doing, I guess I won't message him." Doubtful.

On a side note, someday, when I when the lottery, I am going to start a non-profit whose aim is to teach people punctuation. People, you need to put spaces after commas and periods. I might add in a few lessons on run-on sentences as well.

And when he isn't crying me a river...

From my experience, you need to handle the emails and winks from a normal-looking recently divorced guy just the same as the shirtless, sniffly, red-nosed man's man.

I know, huh? Who does that leave? ;-)

And there are 2 reasons behind this.

One - Who knows if they are even divorced? I can not tell you how many times I have gone a date and come to find out, he barely moved out of the house and hasn't even looked at divorce papers. Heck, he may even still be living with her. There is the Currently Separated status for a reason. Although, I know why guys don't choose it. Because single girls do not want to date (and by date, men interpret as 'bang') married men.

Two - They are recently out of a marriage and are so bitter that if you even hint at their divorce, it begins an hour long tirade about how she is the devil incarnate. And how you can't wait to turn her phone, power, and cable off. And nothing is more attractive than a bitter rant. Rawr!

Maybe Match.com should add a time duration to the Status category? So, you can state that you have been divorced for 2 years or 2 minutes.

Cry me a river, just not at midnight

I would like to preface this post by saying I have truly obnoxious neighbors. I live in an upscale condo complex, but these people are anything but upscale. They enjoy having loud conversations, outside, at 3am. Last night, after watching the US women's gymnastics team hand the gold medal to China proudly win a silver medal, it was 12:15 and I was super tired (you know, all the cheering for the swimming boys). I went to sleep and was out immediately. But my neighbor had other plans. Fifteen minutes later I hear voices (not the kind in my head, they only come on special occasions). The guy is outside talking on his cellphone with his outdoor voice. Because I'm nosy (but at least I admit it!) I tried very hard to listen to his half of the conversation. The guy is crying, talking to (presumably) his ex about how she broke his heart. It went on and on and on. I was feeling really sorry for him...that is, until I heard him say "I wish you would have told me this 4 months ago when I served you my heart on a platter." Wait. This dude is keeping me awake so that he can cry about his drama that's been going on for all of 4 months? Buddy, sack up. All I can say is that I am going to be on the lookout for this guy on match...he'll be the one with the water eyes, sniffly nose, and 8 paragraphs about how he is such a man's man...with a shirtless picture thrown in there for good measure.

Just send me your bank info and I'll take care of the rest...

This one is easy:

"Hey, im danny, new t0 cart00n city and just wanting t0 find a new friend. want 0ne. lets chat, 555-555-5555. -->"

Greetings, I am Mustafa, from Nigeria. I am using Match.com to get to know women in hopes of scamming them out of large sums of money. I will confess a more Nigerian-sounding name to you when you call me (and pay the $4.85 a minute to do so) and tell you that I am a prince (even though Nigeria has a 3-branch federal government structure) who is badly in need of a trustee to use to transfer money into an American bank account to fund my trip to America. I will tell you I'm doing this so that I can meet you and make you my princess!!

Of course, if you are foolish enough to actually give me your bank account number, I will empty it and keep it all. I should warn you, also, that when you call this number I have caller ID and a device that will let me program your number into a SIM card that will mimic your own cell phone, enabling me to rack up mind-boggling bills on your account.

You might notice that I've put zeros in place of all the "O's" in my message. There is a simple explanation for this. There is no "O" in the Nigerian language, so none of our keyboards have the letter "O" on them. Either that or I spilled Pepsi on my keyboard and that key stopped working.

Total Zero

Here is a recent message I received. And I am a bit confused...

"Hey, im danny, new t0 cart00n city and just wanting t0 find a new friend. want 0ne. lets chat, 555-555-5555. -->"

Now, do you see what I see?

Why, in all that is holy, are all of the 'O's typed with zeros? Is it code for something? Am I supposed to catch on to something that will make this guy seem more attractive? I can usually ferret things like this out. But this one has me lost. Do any of you know?

pee ess - When I tried to look at his profile, it states he doesn't have one. How was that allowed to happen? Hopefully Match.com will be able to tell me.

Please let me introduce you to Captian Kirk.

While "doing research" this morning, I stumbled across this beauty. Looking at the profile, I realize that is is probably a gag. But, the picture is somebody's actual pose.

So we are going along with the choice, even with the gaggery. Just because the picture is just so Awesome.

Contest!

Blogger Jaimi and I have decided to have a contest, something to bring some excitement to your Monday morning (I know, as if this blog isn't enough on its own!).

For my entry, I would like to introduce Ninja. Those of you from my other site will be happy to know that he is Ghandi's brother. Remember Ghandi? Because of this, I know that this 27 year old warrior lives at home. With his parents. He also lists "giving massage" as one of his favorite things. For fun, he likes "going to classes for kung fu, gymnastics/tumbling, or yoga." Kung fu, okay; yoga, kinda gay, but whatever; but gymnastics and tumbling? Really? Are you an 8 year old girl?

Here's my story and I'm sticking to it

Since I know you are all curious, here is the story behind my "blowing chunks," as so tastefully put by Jaimi.

Be back on Monday

Due to technicolor...I mean technical difficulties, we will be unable to blog today.

Hope has been blowing chunks all morning. It is so gross, I can't blog.

See you Monday!

Chubby Chaser translation

...and here's the translation of Jaimi's "chubby chaser":

"for fun:
Love to ride quads and workout. like to travel to new places and see new things fun adventerous like most outdoor activitis also like to go out to dinner and movies i dont smoke any drink beer on very few occassions. I take good care of myself."

I don't own a dictionary and have only heard vague references to this thing I've heard people refer to as "spell check." I may also consider riding a quad "working out."

"my ethnicity:
like to have fun searchign fro freindship"

I'm not an ethnicity with which you would be familiar, so I decided to dodge the question and instead tell you I want to make friends. I think this will convince you to sleep with me. Because all chicks want to have sex with their friends, right?

"favorite things:
Lov eto go out to eat as much as possible"

I have no domestic skills. Oh, and I'm either that Japanese guy who until recently held the world hotdog-eating record, or I have a bit of a weight problem. Won't it be fun to find out which it is??

"last read:
I like to read sport illyustrated"

I don't read books, and apparently I don't read much of Sports Illustrated, since the proper spelling of that publication is prominently displayed at the top of each weekly issue.

"About me and who I am looking for:
am a fun lovign man i am down to earth love to have fun with freinds and family i love to travel. i love most utdoor activities and love to run and stay fit. I do not smoke and drink on rare occassions. I liek women who ar down to earth and fun loving. I like women who are comfortable with there appearance. i like women who have curves and are thick to big and beautiful."

I'm going to mention again that I don't smoke and that I rarely drink, because chicks probably dig that. Or I have a bad short-term memory. I can't remember which. Another goal I have is to confuse you as to how my profile could have this many spelling errors even though I'm completely sober.

A good sports car is hard to find...

Most of Hope's latest admirer's profile speaks for itself, but here's a translation of the trickier portions:

"I work out constantly. I obsess over being healthy and fit. I am goal oriented. I have singular focus and stalwart determination to get the things in life I want. I am 6’2”, brown hair, royal blue eyes and in great shape. I graduate from Cal, but was born and raised in New York City. I like to scuba dive, ski, mountain bike, and box, MMA or spar 3-4 times a week I also enjoy the outdoors, camping and traveling."

I have low self-esteem, so I pump iron and occasionally do other cool-sounding things to get big muscles so chicks at bars will notice me. The fact that I know the exact shade of my eyes should tell you that I will spend more time looking at myself in the mirror than you do. In fact, if we start dating, there will be some serious competition over the bathroom space. Also, I spend so much time in my extreme lifestyle that there will really be no time for you. You'll basically just be a g/f for show and to keep people from thinking I'm gay.

john typically spends his leisure time:

* Working out, MMA, skiing, boxing,traveling, i have traveled to over 60 countries, i love to cook and collect fine wines.

It's true that I've been to over 60 countries, but really I've only spend an average of 3 1/2 minutes in each one. Most of the countires that I've been to were spent entirely on the train when I traveled across Europe. Oh, and Hawaii is a separate country, right?

Did You Just Tell Me I'm Fat?

I was the oh-so-happy recipient of a wink. Normally, if there are no pictures, I ignore them. But we started this little venture, so now I look at everything.

And boy! Was I glad I did!

Here is his profile. I would also like to alert you to the fact that his preferred age for women?
18-60.

"for fun:
Love to ride quads and workout. like to travel to new places and see new things fun adventerous like most outdoor activitis also like to go out to dinner and movies i dont smoke any drink beer on very few occassions. I take good care of myself."

"my ethnicity:
like to have fun searchign fro freindship"

"favorite things:
Lov eto go out to eat as much as possible"

"last read:
I like to read sport illyustrated"

"About me and who I am looking for:
am a fun lovign man i am down to earth love to have fun with freinds and family i love to travel. i love most utdoor activities and love to run and stay fit. I do not smoke and drink on rare occassions. I liek women who ar down to earth and fun loving. I like women who are comfortable with there appearance. i like women who have curves and are thick to big and beautiful."

There are so many things in here to comment on, I do not have an idea where I would start.

Wait, did you say you like to work out? I didn't catch that.

It is rare that I come across ridiculous profiles on eharmony, since the people on there tend to be a little more serious about finding an actual relationship. I was recently matched with a guy who really seems to enjoy himself. Of course he has pictures of himself both shirtless and standing next to his sports car. It's sort of like the classic cliche. Here are some words of wisdom from his profile:

"I work out constantly. I obsess over being healthy and fit. I am goal oriented. I have singular focus and stalwart determination to get the things in life I want. I am 6’2”, brown hair, royal blue eyes and in great shape. I graduate from Cal, but was born and raised in New York City. I like to scuba dive, ski, mountain bike, and box, MMA or spar 3-4 times a week I also enjoy the outdoors, camping and traveling."

john's friends describe him as:

* Ambitious

* Intelligent

* Happy

* Physically Fit

Three of john's best life-skills are:

* Keeping physically fit

* Helping those who are less fortunate or in need

* Achieving personal goals

john typically spends his leisure time:

* Working out, MMA, skiing, boxing,traveling, i have traveled to over 60 countries, i love to cook and collect fine wines.

The things john can't live without are:

* love

* passion for life

* my passport

* my sports car

* my cell phone

Okay, first of all, is it really necessary to describe your eyes as "royal blue?" And how long did you have to stare in the mirror to determine their exact shade? Were you holding a box of crayons next to your head to color match?

We know you have a sports car. It's in your picture. How grounded of a person you must be to list it as something you can't live without. At least you listed it after you listed love, you are so sincere.

How many times do you need to mention working out? We get it, you are active. Talk about something else.

Teacher's Pet?

To set to story up - He emailed me, and in a reply, I stated that although he seemed nice, I wouldn't want to drive 75 miles one way for a date. This is his response:

"Hello beautiful!

Thanks for the mail.I am writing to let you know that I got your mail and I hope you are well.My great dream for the future is find that special woman who will be my best friend,my lover, my pupil,my soul mate, and my partner in all life's adventures,at the very least. I want someone to spend all my time with,sharing all the pleasures I've discovered in life,and that's a lot, believe me distance will not be the issue for now ok.

I live in Carnation Bay and is very close to Cottage Inn at Lake Takemehome in Takemehome City.I will tell you more about me when I hear from you VIA my private email; xxxxxx@yahoo.com
Take care. Cheers,
'J'"

Setting aside the very detailed requirements of his "Special Woman", and the inability to use the space bar, one thing really grabbed my attention.

He wants a pupil.

Ew.

It's the Hulk!

I was going to limit my posts to one a day, but just as I posted my previous blog I got the nicest, most poetic email ever:

"hey howudoin......."

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I saw his profile pictures. Now, normally I wouldn't post a picture, but I thought it would be mean to deprive my readers of this:
That pose is awesome. There is another picture where he is taking a shirtless picture of himself with a cell phone, where, according to blogger Jaimi, he looks just like the Hulk (the old one, not the new one)

Blood Pumpin' in the Morning

Here's the translation of Hope's admirer, who should probably consider keeping a spreadsheet of the chicks he e-mails:

"Hi my name is Scott, 39, single, never married and have no kids. I live alone in my own house in Smalltown. I have been in this state since 8/2005 where I moved from the Seattle, Wa area. I work in the construction management industry and love what I do."

Dear (insert your name here), just in case you didn't read this the last time I sent this e-mail to you, I'm going to introduce myself again. I lived in my mom's basement until 8/2005 when she kicked me out, so I thought I might as well move out here. Also, please note that because of my line of work and the current state of the housing market, I will soon be burning my house to the ground and moving into an orange crate under the freeway.

"For fun I had my season pass to Kirkwood. I snowboard and have enjoyed this year. I also enjoy running 2 miles M-F before work and then doing some pushups and situps. Love the getting the blood pumping in the morning. I am easy going, love to socialize and have fun.I also enjoy karaoke. Always up for new experiences and adventure. I love sex and am a very sexual person."

I like to snowboard frequently. Actually, what I really do is hang around the bunny slopes in cool-looking gear and stare at all the chicks. I exercise a lot to compensate for my lack of a social life, and I do it before work because I'm a morning person (and therefore clearly crazy). I like to karaoke because I think that if I do, chicks will dig it and nail me. I like to have sex. A lot. With women. Please have sex with me.

For the sake of decorum, I'm not going to translate what "Love to get the blood pumping in the morning." means.

"Anyway, would love to get to know you. Please get back to me if you would like to chat and get to know one another. You seem like a very cool and fun person."

I'm even willing to have a conversation with you first, but I'll probably just be staring at your boobs the whole time. Please contact me if you want to have sex. You seem like a chick who likes to have sex with dudes.

It's so odd you're still single...

I received the following email from someone about two months ago. Maybe a month or so after that I received the same exact email. Again. Not one word was different. I mean, if you are going to have a form email you send out, at least make it a good one that doesn't make you sound like a tool.

"Hi my name is Scott, 39, single, never married and have no kids. I live alone in my own house in Smalltown. I have been in this state since 8/2005 where I moved from the Seattle, Wa area. I work in the construction management industry and love what I do.

For fun I had my season pass to Kirkwood. I snowboard and have enjoyed this year. I also enjoy running 2 miles M-F before work and then doing some pushups and situps. Love the getting the blood pumping in the morning. I am easy going, love to socialize and have fun.I also enjoy karaoke. Always up for new experiences and adventure. I love sex and am a very sexual person.

Anyway, would love to get to know you. Please get back to me if you would like to chat and get to know one another. You seem like a very cool and fun person."

Call me old fashioned, but mentioning your love for sex in an introductory email seems a bit forward....plus it makes his "Love to get the blood pumping in the morning" comment sort of gross.

Man Translation

I've been asked to serve as the male translator, so here's a paragraph-by-paragraph translation of the e-mail Jaimi received:

I just wanted to compliment you on your profile. I have to admit when I saw that you glance at my profile. I had to check yours out. I have to admit your pic's definitely caught my attention!!! I would like to have the opportunity to chat with you. I want to have the unique privilege of hearing the voice behind that warm & attractive smile of yours!!!!

You were foolish enough to click on my profile, so now I think you want to have sex with me. I think you're hot. I want you to have phone sex with me so I don't have to pay for it like I usually do.

Therefor, I would like to extend you my cellphone#(555-555-5555)& e-mail address(XXXXX@yahoo.com). I just feel it would be more surreal to hear a live voice,rather than to type away & stare into a computer screen. Computers don't show or express any emotions & feelings. Don't you agree? Plus, not too mention that my membership will be expiring in 2days. I don't plan on renewing it either. So if your up to wanting to meet someone new? Who genuinely wants to hear your ideas,thoughts & whatever come's to mind? Or just simply have a fun & entertaining conversation. Then don't hesitate to look me up. I usually don't give out my info. If I feel the person isn't worth the risk of persueing to know as a person & friend? Something about your profile & pic's has me very intrigued & interested!?!?!

I'm setting an artificial timeline to try to make you think this is a limited window of opportunity to get you to actually interact with me. Kind of like when Macy's has a sale. Either that or I live in Nigeria and I'll follow this up with an offer to transfer $60 million to you as soon as you forward your bank account info to me. Oh, and I'm pretending to care about what you think and what you have to say. I think this will get me laid faster.

Maybe, it could be when I read your profile & saw your pic's? I see a very sincere,open minded,caring,seductive,provocative,outgoing,attractive & most of all a straight foward individuel! Or that's the impression I get from it. So what do you got to lose? Let's break the ice between us! For you see that I am a persistant & foward person. Who doesn't play head games & just wants to enjoy life to it's fullest.Cos yes(women) there are a few of us guys(like myself) out there that really do pay attention to what women want! Plus, you can never have too many friends in this age & age. So if you give me that honor? I will make sure to put a smile on your face & laughter in your thoughts!

I'm still pretending to care about your mind. But I made sure to either down 5 shots of tequila or hit myself in the head with a hammer before attempting to type this paragraph.

Before I conclude this long message. I just want to take the time to say thank you. For making the time to read this message! I really do look foward to hearing from you. Maybe I'll hear from you later on today or tonight(hint,hint)!?!?!ha,ha..Take care & have a great rest of the afternoon.

I'd really like to have sex tonight if at all possible, so please give me a call ASAP.

There is such a thing as saying too much

Okay, so to start the contributership, here is an email I received. Warning: It is a bit long.

"Hey Jaimi,

I just wanted to compliment you on your profile. I have to admit when I saw that you glance at my profile. I had to check yours out. I have to admit your pic's definitely caught my attention!!! I would like to have the opportunity to chat with you. I want to have the unique privilege of hearing the voice behind that warm & attractive smile of yours!!!!

Therefor, I would like to extend you my cellphone#(555-555-5555)& e-mail address(XXXXX@yahoo.com). I just feel it would be more surreal to hear a live voice,rather than to type away & stare into a computer screen. Computers don't show or express any emotions & feelings. Don't you agree? Plus, not too mention that my membership will be expiring in 2days. I don't plan on renewing it either. So if your up to wanting to meet someone new? Who genuinely wants to hear your ideas,thoughts & whatever come's to mind? Or just simply have a fun & entertaining conversation. Then don't hesitate to look me up. I usually don't give out my info. If I feel the person isn't worth the risk of persueing to know as a person & friend? Something about your profile & pic's has me very intrigued & interested!?!?!

Maybe, it could be when I read your profile & saw your pic's? I see a very sincere,open minded,caring,seductive,provocative,outgoing,attractive & most of all a straight foward individuel! Or that's the impression I get from it. So what do you got to lose? Let's break the ice between us! For you see that I am a persistant & foward person. Who doesn't play head games & just wants to enjoy life to it's fullest.Cos yes(women) there are a few of us guys(like myself) out there that really do pay attention to what women want! Plus, you can never have too many friends in this age & age. So if you give me that honor? I will make sure to put a smile on your face & laughter in your thoughts!

Before I conclude this long message. I just want to take the time to say thank you. For making the time to read this message! I really do look foward to hearing from you. Maybe I'll hear from you later on today or tonight(hint,hint)!?!?!ha,ha..Take care & have a great rest of the afternoon.

sincerely yours

'L'"

Wow. Just wow.

Good things come in really old packages

This guy is 61. I'm 28. Unless he's contacting me about insurance rates or bank fees, he shouldn't be emailing me. Here are some gems from his profile:

I may be 60 but people I know say I look and act like I am in my '40's !!!!! I also think young and I am not old by any means !!!Some women have said I am very romantic and a "Great Lover" !!!!

He goes on to list the Bible as his favorite book. Great choice, but not immediately after the "great lover" comment.

Welcome

A coworker and I were comparing the really really weird, creepy, gross unique people we have come across in the world of online dating. These stories have brought us hours of entertainment (and loss of productivity), and we thought we should share it with all of you. Enjoy!