Prius Boy Translated

Hope had asked me to translate Prius Boy's e-mail on Friday, but I got held up. So here's the Man-translation of what he actually said:

"I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius Hybrid with no payments which is great for taking road trips. I mention my car because I want people to know I'm part of the solution not the problem not because I'm materialistic. I'm not I could love a woman that homeless if there's a physical and mental attraction. I don't smoke or drink. Also, unlike most I proudly have never tried weed."

I'm not materialistic, but I feel compelled to define myself by the car I drive. I'm also surrounded by a cloud of smug everywhere I go and enjoy the scent of my own farts (this is a South Park reference, and this guy fits perfectly into that episode...seriously, you should look it up).

And on a side note, Priuses (?) are not good for road trips. A buddy of mine recently carpooled with a Prius-driving friend of his from LA to Vegas and said it was the worst trip ever. They had trouble getting up hills and by the end of the trip he felt like he needed to kick his own ass for agreeing to ride in that thing.

"I'm open minded, easy going, and love animals and children. Although, I don't have any children I do have a little female tan toy Chihuahua 7-year old her name is Sweet-Pea, she's 5 lbs."

I'm open-minded as long as you drive a hybrid and have a self-righteous attitude about the environment and everything in general. And I'm gay, because no straight man would have a 7-year old Chihuahua named Sweet-Pea, much less know (or care) how much the dog weighs. I'm looking for a girfriend to project the appearance of a straight man.

"for fun: rollerblading at a rink, occasionally work out at 24 Hour Fitness, basketball, swimming, BBQ's, watching TV/DVDs and cuddling. road trips to Disneyland, Knott's Halloween Haunt, and Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights"

I put rollerblading in a rink first because I'm stuck in the '70s and '80s. I'm also the only man on earth who enjoys cuddling as a hobby. I go to Halloween-themed amusement parks to pick up on little boys, I mean chicks!! I totally meant to say chicks...

Seriously, who puts "cuddling" under "fun things to do"??